bah humbug

it wont let me copy and past into hre after i have just written shit loads.. the bastard thing

so much...

as happened since i last posted.

Ok so i went out with my ex, and it was an awful experience.... he got drunk and pretended to be this demon thing and actually hurt me three times just by being a bumbling piss head..... it wasnt nice and reminded me how bad he was when i was actually seeing him. I stopped seeing this guy when i started seeing the uber..... this guy tried to convince me he had changed and guess what.... no he fuckin hadnt. Anyway i got out of there and no real harm done.... now i will just avoid like the plague and i have told my mutual friend so she knows not to try and push us together because im really not interested.

A little while ago, 2 weeks i think, i started talking on line to this guy that i had noticed several years ago.... tall, cute, singer in a rock band, tattoos.... just fucking fit really... anyway way back when he had a girlfriend and yanno things get forgotten, not that i would have ever messaged him anyway.... he was gorgeous.... way too georgeous for me you know. Anyway he posted something and i commented, he found my profile amusing and we just got talking... a dom guy who actually preferred to be a submissive... despite the fact he married his slave.... anyway we talked for 2 weeks then arranged to meet. Not before his bloody wife messaged me asking what my intentions are.... i want to fuck your husbands brains out should have been my response.... but i said i am his friend. She should have spoke to hi about this, not me.... anyway they talked he told her it remained all good.... well i assume so as the meet is still on.

We meet and its very awkward initially... i had booked a hotel... i knew i liked him and the chances of me not wanting to play with him would have been slim. Anyway i have done pro sessions so i can do stuff with people im not physically attracted too.... ive proved it to myself. He gets in the car and i have to drive 45 mins to the hotel... me focusing on the road him talking away... its didnt feel too uncomfortable.... we arrive at the hotel, a beautiful place in chichester called the fish house... we check in..... we et asked about bag which we have left in my car as my case os packed with implements of torture..... we get showed to the room, we go to the car to get the goodies.... i pour a drink for us to relax a little.... and lay out the stuff. *knock, knock* WTF, he moves the kit off the side which would have been fully exposed as soon as i opened the door.... i opened the door and the young girl who showed us to the room was standing there saying she needed to restock the mini bar and proceeded to hand me a packet of crisps.... i wouldn't mind but the mini bar was fully stocked already.... most odd but very funny.... i think it made us both relax a tad.

I sit on the stool and instruct him to strip, he does so..... then i have a look... tell him to get on his knees with his arms behind his head as i finish my drink... he had knocked his back... im not that scary really honest. Then i tell him to prepare the shower..... he goes and gets in.... i follow and wash him... which is nice, he has a lovely body and running my hands over him with soap was lovely.... i could tell he was nervous...... but he did enjoy that..... then one thing and another and 3 hours later we left..... i returned after i had dropped him back and had a good night with numbers there generally talking and doing needles and stuff..... i could have done with just being on my own really as i felt relaxed and just wanted to sleep..... anyway its done now.

The feedback from the new boy has been , hes very attentive and we will be meeting again.... im already looking forward to it... there was one moment when he pulled my hair and tried to push me back... fuck it was hot i felt myself go..... im not sure how this relationship is going to work out... but it has the potential of becoming a relationship... i can see me switching with him.... it will be interesting to see how it develops over time... i think we're both in it for the long haul rather than the hear and now....

Oh and something else worth noting is i havent really been thinking about the uber..... not at all...

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell........

As part of looking after me I have purchased a shit load of pills from the internet…. Im sure im not supposed to combine them but ahhh fuck it, ive abused my body in the past what is taking a few random pills going to do? Not much I hope… actually that isn’t true.. I hope they do a lot…

Ive started on 5hfp, which is supposed to increase serotonin, its good for things like depression, to curb carb carvings.. helps you have a sound sleep, help with anxiety.. well lets just put it this way a whole heap of things… it does seem to appear it depends on your intake… im sticking to 100mg a day… 1 at night and 1 in the morning…. Been doing it three days thus far and today um feeling fucking amazing… probably has nothing to do with it but anyway, it could do…

On top of that im taking caffeine…. I need to increase my metabolism as now im an old bird… I don’t drink tea or coffee.. so now im taking pulls…. And im topping that up with other stuff, it tells you not to do it but the caffeine content seems so low compared to other supplements I have taken. Mind you on Tuesday I was feeling a bit jittery…. So im looking at a more natural caffeine intake.. green tea and the likes… did you know green tea is supposed to prevent tooth decay… no nor did i… its amazing the bull shit you find on the internet!!

And then of course I have the fat blockers tabs… oralstat/alli…. Im nearly finished with my super strength ones and im waiting for the alli to arrive.. hopefully before I finish the other one… I want the alli for meals that don’t contain much fat and the super strength ones for the ones that do.. like curries.

Don’t ask me about the boys because right now they are the furthest thing on my mind…. Im not feeling all needy today as im feeling so fecking good… plus it’s the London munch so yay…. A jolly good night will be had…. I think I shall be flirting with a certain young man…. A shaved headed one…. Actually I shouldn’t write that.. because when you think it it actually doesn’t happen.. so forget that… ;-)

Nothing else is happening… oh… well other than my sadist female friend is coming out with me new years, well to the same place…. And she asked me about our mutual friend.. the one where I was seeing him then I vanished and started seeing the uber and he vanished then two years on we meet and its like there is this attraction thing…. Well him…. So I text him and he wants to come too… this is going to be a fucking nightmare.. I can see no good will come of this…. I can feel it in my bones… why do I let people get me in to trouble so bloody much??

Anyway back to meeeeeee, meeeeeeeeee its all about meeeeeee….. and damn bloody right it should be too…. It feels good to be me right nbow and oh… just in case you didn’t realise it im looking fucking hot right now… and not only looking it but feeling it too….. woooo hooooooooooooooooo

Busy, busy, busy

yes i know i promised to write in here but i have been very busy doing..... well doing nothing much but busy i have been. Actually im still not feeling very well and i appear to be very tired a lot of the time, i havent been this unwell in a very long time.... not good.

Other than that i havent been up to much, we're planning our next hunting event in feb.... more of a pampering/hunt type thing.... see if we can drum up intrest in it, hopefully as it sounds to me like it would be good.

In terms of males i havent been doing anything with anyone and im pissed off with them all, im hormonal and grumpy and ill..... im thinking of knocking the uber on the head, i get like this quite frequently not least when i get all insecure and stupid. Sometimes i have such diffiulty separating him from the rest of my life.... arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh sometimes i hate what i do.

Ive decided that im going to focus on me for a while, im going to do some hard core dieting and exercises.... im going to make me look and feel fucking amazing. Fuck em all............

Whos sanity is it anyway?

Well?

Sometimes as I do things, or have things done to me, sometimes I just think this is soddin insane… I guess in reality its probably better to not actually sit there and try to think about it…. Its strange… people are strange, why is it that some of us are pushed into doing these acts which are humiliating, degrading and on the verge of being abusive?

The majority of people I know are sane (to the outside world), professional people…. They have the same life difficulties with relationships as your average joe but they choose to have one foot in this dark world that I frequent.

For some they have a session and that tides them over until the next time…. I wonder if its on their mind all the time like it is mine… I wonder if it consumes them as it does me….. I hope I don’t become to them what the uber is to me…. Not sure I would like that effect on people… but it is so intoxicating…. Completely.

Last night was ok…. I did what it was I had to do, I enjoyed it, well enjoy may have been a bit strong, it didn’t repulse me is more appropriate… think maybe my nails need clipping before I probe people, but other than that it went well… the hour flew by, I wasn’t repulsed by him despite the fact he isn’t someone that I would find attractive, plus he had stockings and high heels and suspender belt on, I detest that.. men should be men! …. But I managed… fuelled on by my friend and the need to accomplish what I had given my word to do….. its emotionless and cold…. An act that has no real meaning for me….. it is possible to disengage your emotions from intimate physical acts…. Maybe that is how the uber is with me… maybe im just something he does because he has too.. its quite interesting really and I think the next time I see him I may try to pick his brains about the distancing and how it is for him… it’s a bit unfair really as I have this expectation in my head that he likes me….and I guess im going to find out the hard truth…. That’s possible good, or potentially bad…. Mind you the uber kisses me…. And tells me it was “fucking hot”, and that I look “fucking amazing” and he calls me pretty and sexy… not really words you say to someone that you are not physically attracted to I don’t think…. Even if you’re a bloke!

Bizarrely…

enough my getting ready for this evenings little soiree has left me feeling a little uncertain of what the hell im playing at. Another late night on the internet meant I couldn’t be bothered to pack the things I need to take with me, a brief message exchange made me be aware I needed to be at my destination by 6pm not the 8pm I first assumed…. So I had to do it this morning…. I opened my kinky cupboard and eventually found my strap on and harness….got the leather straitjacket out, tried to cram it into my bag but I couldn’t get it in, shit… I need the other bag that still has all my bits and pieces in from the hunt… bugger… no pun intended, well ok maybe a little one.

Trying to get ready for work, organise kids and pack a whole host of pervertables in a bag unseen is not an easy task…. I end up leaving it all on my bed, not exposed and decide to take the kids to school then come home and do it…. I go down stairs and no sooner am I in the kitchen when I hear my eldest go upstairs and in to my room arghhhhhhhhhhhhh… so I shout at her “get out my room”. They think im mad, I detest shouting at them despite the fact I do it all the time. I just don’t want her to see whats on my bed, so I upset her…. I upset me… and my thoughts turn to is this shit really worth the grief I give my children.

I have to go shopping, we need lube and I need condoms… for the strap on.. so my basket contains my lunch, condoms, lube and latex gloves…. I do wonder if the checkout girl has any idea of why I require these things. “Have a good day” she say’s politely as I pay….. I look at her eyes and wonder if she could possibly have any idea of what it is that I will be doing later on…. I sit in my car with my thoughts going all over… why am I doing this….. is it worth it…. My head is on auto pilot now, I do it because I have said I will and I like to be reliable… ive said I’ll do it because I want to see if I can do this to someone im not attracted too and afterall he is paying for it… im going to do it because I need to see if I can.

Decomparmentlisation... i make it up as i go along

I think im going to try and update this on a daily basis, the problem of course is when I become so busy and don’t get time, I also find when im in a very good mood I feel less inclined to record whats going on, maybe this is my way of externalising my emotions…. It does all seem to make some form of sense when you read it back to yourself, doesn’t quite beat chatting it through with another person however.

I think I need to work a little bit more on my decompartmentalisim (is that a word? Not according to spell check) aspects to my life….. I have so many fingers in so many different pies and it seems the only way I appear to be able to cope with it all is to stick it all in boxes…. The sub me goes here, the sadist me goes here, the mother goes here, the professional woman over there and the pro domme… well this is a new one for me….

So where does it begin, a friend of mine a very well respected dome asked if I would double dome with her…. I thought it would be interesting to do, not for the money but just to see how it worked in principle… PD’in isn’t something that I have really ever thought about I have to be honest…. I have a job that I love and quite frankly just do not have the time… plus I don’t really get the whole role play thing, plus no where to do it etc etc.. a vast number of reasons why not to do it… but shes great and I was curious to see how she strutted her stuff.

To date we have done two session with a guy called C, hes just finding his feet, the first one we both toped him, the second he spanked me…. That was quite nice as it happens… quite sensual unlike the uber… anyway. I get the odd message from him informing me how he is looking forward to the next time…. Its bloody expensive for him… £200 an hour…. For both of us and that is split… he must be mad.

Anyway tomorrow night will be a session with someone I have been introduced too but don’t know… this guy is more into worship and anal.. I have refused to allow him sexual contact but I have agreed to do him with a strap on… not sure really how I feel about that… doing some guy who I don’t know, not attracted too with a strap on….. it will be interesting… lets see how it goes… lets see if I can decompartmentalise it all.. you will be the very first to know…

Bolloxin crap....

Emotional dilemma's, oh joy.... in fact not only emotional.... just dilemma's... im not very good with making decisions, my mind while one moment can be made up and steadfast, can on the other hand make decisions i probably wouldn't, or shouldn't, make.

There are two things that i pride myself on, the first is my loyalty to the partner im with.... now the uber isnt exactly my partner.... but yanno casual for 18 months... well to me that actually isnt actually casual... to me he is my master..... even though he isnt.. im monogamous.... always have been and as far as i can tell i always will be, that is what feels right to me. The uber is someone i trust my life with completely.... as things have progressed it has become more intimate.... not only do we get on really well in terms of how we 'play' but also out of that... i respect him... he is a man who is quiet in his dominance, he doesnt need to try to convince others that he dominant or sadistic.... he just is..... and that is something i really like about him.... hes not someone who gets off on his own hype like so many others..... he offers complete discretion and a mind blowing time.... i can pretty much be assured that when i go to see him he will push me and satisfy the craving deep with me .. a lot of this may well be how i have seen it in my own mind.... i probably have put him on this pedestal and created this person with whom i am so completely dedicated too despite the fact he does not require it of me.

The other thing which i like is that i dont play within the scene, its so incestuous and that to me is not what the dynamics of these relationships are about..... my relationships have to now been very selective, i dont engage with people who play the field... i will not become just another number, a notch on the bedpost, i am worth more than that ....i only entertain those that i can trust emphatically.... my submission is something very special to me... when i give myself its everything heart, body and soul..... why would i forsake that and have a fleeting thing with someone who probably just sees me as a conquest? Basically I shouldnt.... i should remain true to me....

Ive been asked to think about where i see things with the uber and if a casual, very casual one off play casual, would play on my mind.... depending on my mood i could do it easily .... but when i think of the uber i see a man that truly deserves the use of me ... i see a man whom im so very attracted to on so many different levels.... i see a man that excites me beyond belief... i see a man who does offer me some loyalty in as much as the confines of the relationship allows... i see a man i trust with my life literally... thats quiet something you know..

Is my loyalty to him misplaced? Should i be so completely loyal to someone who in real terms doesnt give a toss what it is i get up too? Im not saying he doesnt care about me as a person as i know to some degree he does.... but im free to come and go and do as i wish.... no constraints.... my loyalty is all self imposed.... is he deserving of it..... should i contradict my strong moral beliefs for the sake of a casual fling that im not sure if i will enjoy or not...... what if i dont? Will i be able to just brush it under the carpet and get on with it... im usually pretty good with that..... to be honest but i really dont know... i dont know if i want to and i dont know if the person in question is worth me going against my beliefs for a momentary bit of fun..... im not so convinced right here right now that its a smart thing to do.

Better now..

Well im in a much better mood today, thankfully.. been messing around with S and he sent a text to a certain pro dom as if it was from me about a freebie…. Anyway hes responded so it looks like I may be sessioning with this guy, I aint bloody paying though. Anyway it has cheered me up….. though it has also made me think a little about what about the uber, I have stipulated what can and what cant happen…. Somethings are the ubers yanno….. erotic asphyxiation namely…. That has to be done with him and him only. Well until I meet someone who can take his place….. which aint happening any time soon I can assure you.

I was nearly at the point of emailing uber to ask him if he would take more control… then I felt a warm rush of blood and didn’t send it, he scares me so much its unbelievable…. The consequences of sending that would be bad… if he said yeah then fuck…. I wouldn’t know what to say or do… I would be in heaven. And if he said no I would be completely gutted….. anyway maybe I will ask him the next time I see him… which at this rate will be December some time. L

Im also talking to some guy off a site who messaged me saying im beautiful and intresting but I woyldnt be interested in him blah blah blah.. he is cute.. but I suspect he would be very boring… most men are… the uber isn’t hes a god….. SS seems to be ok too.. and he actually reminds me a little of MrV, but saner… so yanno…. Not sure what he is after though… one off session, possibly more.. regular stuff.. who knows…. Anyway go with the flow and see what happens.

For Fucking fucks sake...

I was going through the site i usually frequent and came across one of the ubers pictures.... so i looked for his name and there he was, well two pictures of him... the account had always been there but he had never used it, but now his bloody pics were there, no details about him however..... just an empty profile with 2 pics, he had last been online 5 days ago.... it made me feel sick.... jealousy i guess....... im not sure..... but its really fucked up my mood.... i dont want him to use that site, just like i dont want to see him out on the scene.... its really fucking my head up..... its gonna really tear me apart if i see him getting a network and stuff.... i need to not look at his profile.... hopefully i will be able to resist.. i need to get him out of my head to stop him tearing me up like this.., i think the fact that the sessions were more intimate the last couple of times have not done me any good... before i could not go and see him for a few months and i didnt give a toss...... now its like im becoming this jealous, possessive, psycho bitch......... i want him.... i want him to want me...... it fucking rips me apart... emotional masochism.... i need to look in to it.. why do i screw myself over so incessantly? Hes got nothing to do with it.. he may know how i feel to a degree, i would be bloody amazed if he didnt... but its all me screwing myself up with my own thoughts and feelings....... ive had two people recently tell me i look amazing recently, one of whom was the uber as it happens.......... and another told me last night that he thinks im "beautiful and interesting"..... oh really....... if thats the fucking case then why can i not have the only one thing in the world that i long for so much that it hurts me so bad?

The downward spiral

Im not feeling so loved up now.... had a few things happen which have probably contributed towards this..... last night B, who i like decided to text me to tell me hes been in contact with his ex.... why do they feel a need to tell you such things i wonder, i told him i thought he was very insensitive.... maybe on reflection i shouldnt have... coz at the end of the day does it really matter.... i just feel like an emotional dumping ground for people and that kinda pisses me off.

Then i went out for dinner with bill and min..... hes lost weight... and hes looking pretty good..... i still feel attracted to him which isnt good..... through out the night he carried on his usual behaviour though with drinking and stuff... so i doubt hes changed at all...... he just looks rather nice i guess... oh well....... i dont think i can be arsed with all the crap really... blokes are strange..... they confuse me and i think im just better off shutting them all out......as they drain me emotionally. Fuck em all i say.. Bill has just text saying he enjoyed the evening and that he thought I looked fantastic…. So two guys I fancy this week telling me I look fantastic…. Yet I don’t really feel it.

Last night I experienced needles…. It’s the second time, the first time was rubbish apparently you are suppose to feel this amazing high… so I had to give it another go. Min did it… a night with two of the most sadistic people I know… seriously one needs to learn not to get yer boobs out in front of such people!! Anyway I did, all in the name of research naturally…. She is so good, seriously…. But good god she hurt me… and gave this very contented hmmmmmmmmm as I responded to her wickness…. I think that’s something that worries me most about sadists,,.. they do so love watching you suffer for them…. What was also incredibly hot was being watched while she tormented me….. being watched by someone I actually really rather fancied it was hot for loads of reasons… god I do think im getting worse.. Anyway as a consequence of her actions my nipples are really killing today… any little movement close to them hurts, I seriously cant take nipple pain.. though apparently I did well….. so sore nipples and a sore stripy ass…. The pain from the cane is muscular rather than surface… it feels really deep…. Which is divine.

"You are bisexual" she keeps telling me, errrrr i really dont think so, yes i get off to female on female porn.. but i just dont find women sexually attractive. I cant imagine that i would ever do anything with another woman, well unless it was forced, i would do it then just not sure how i would feel about it. The idea certainly doesnt repulse me, but then it doesnt really get me excited either... i like men...... and being fucked properly, you know a fist full of hair and rough, which brings me to the fantasy i have of erotic asphixiation while the uber fucks me across the floor like only he can do. *sighs*

Obsession....

It is, seriously its like an obsession… he fills every spare moment of my thoughts. I was in a meeting yesterday, a rather important meeting and my thoughts just kept drifting off on to him and certain things which he did to me…. “open your mouth”.. I guess it’s a slightly unhealthy obsession at that…. I adore him and yet to him im pretty much a nothing. I wonder if it this kind of dynamic which appeals to me…., I adore how I cant manipulate him, I adore how he gives this impression that he really doesn’t give a shit….. I adore that he makes me chase him…. I adore that if I didn’t I would never see him again, I adore that despite my repeated attempts to pull away from his hold I continually go back and each and every time I do go back it just gets better and better…im not sure if that is my interpretation on it… I do wonder if he sees it the same way… does he feel the increased level of intensity or is it all just in my mind…. I suppose he has so much going on in his life and im a nothing in that….

Yet he is a massive part of my life and he really isn’t aware of just how massive a role he plays. There hasn’t been a day that I haven’t thought about him at least once since I started seeing him…. I have pretty much stopped looking for a relationship, well there is no real need is there…. And when people have expressed a wish to get to know me on a more intimate level I inform them that I will not stop seeing him… and of course no one is then interested, which is good because really im not interested in them anyway….

There was one guy I rather liked and would have gave the uber up for…. But rather typically he wasn’t interested in me…. I do wonder why I like the guys that do not like me… that’s a bit of a fucker… at least with the uber I can have access to him…. Which makes the emotional masochism a slightly sweeter pill to swallow, then I have the inner turmoil it causes me when I fuck myself up mentally… sometimes I think I should tell him but I doubt really he would be interested, its not the dynamic of our ‘relationship’ afterall.

I need to look a bit more into emotional masochism and self worth issues I suspect, despite how I feel so confident generally the uber strips this down to the raw core of who I really am….. sometimes im ok with this and other times im not…. Some aspect of me wishes I was doing it with someone who gave a fuck…. But those that know me say the dynamic works and has lasted so long simply because he doesn’t give a fuck… and yes I fully understand that and get that…. I love the sensation of having him for that moment.. and then that being pulled away from me… the knowing I cant ever have him regardless of how much I crave for him….. ah I dunno.. maybe I need to sort my life out and stop projecting these really strong emotions on to someone..

The sudden change in heart has come around because ive just received a text from the guy who I would drop the uber for…. Despite the fact he doesn’t want me he texts every day… well he thought it would be a nice thing to tell me today hes been in touch with his ex… I wonder what the hell that is all about…. Why do they do that? Maybe I should respond with oh really? Well I got fucked over senseless by the uber the other night and it was fucking amazing… as usual.. he always is… but im a bit more sensitive than that I guess… don’t really know why I should be though… men are sometimes such twats…. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Oh and concord has been in contact… he wants to meet me… dunno if I can be bothered… he recons next Friday… I recon im gonna be busy…. Im sure I will be… maybe I should go lezza afterall

contentment

Why reinvent the wheel? Dunno what that is supposed to mean in the context of what im about to write but what i want it to mean is this, if someone ticks most of your boxes.... why change it? I haven’t been in a proper D/s ‘relationship’ as a sub in coming up to 2 years now..... i have been seeing the das uber Bastard since may 2008... 17 months, and do you know what he still amazes me almost as much as he manages to piss me off.... well he is a bloke init. ;-)

My fucking arse is killing..... and its wonderful..... seriously he blew my mind.... funny, not so long ago while talking randomly with a guy, someone who is more nutty than i.... he asked if i get a collar when we play... “no i gets a noose”.... who said fucking romance was dead? Not quite sure why he always tries to hang/strangle/kill me, actually its got to the point that i do it to myself .... fuck its a strange feeling when you go all woozy... but yay for strange sensations in the hand of a complete sadistic bastard.

He liked the way i looked, i dressed in pencil skirt blouse and corset.... plus the boots he likes.... i was left dressed this time but he did fuck me and he did stick his cock in my mouth.. its been ages since hes done that... we were talking about age after... and now he asks for proof of age... anyway isaid well you have never asked me yer barstood.... to which the cheeky fucker responded have you got your pension book on you? I said i look good for my age yer cheeky sod.... and he said “you look fucking amazing for your age”... and he called me his pretty whore.. or summot... ah i dunno its all a mish mash.... and he kissed me... not on the lips... but there was a fair bit of kissing going on , him me and me him.. it was fucking hot.... and he said he really enjoyed it... “that was fucking hot” to be exact... and even told me he will be wanking to the thought of me tonight... lol fucking amazing..

Crimson

Weeeeeeeeeeell, crimson was a bit of a blast..... i played loads..... as in topped loads... and even did a girlie, that was quite nice actually as it allows me to be more caring and tender.... i dont bother so much with the boys, wham bam take it you fucker... if i can take it so can you..... but with the girlies one can be softer, though i dont think i was... but just generally be more caring... it was nice and i enjoyed it, especially when she started crying.... ive played with two girls in my time... and both cried....tis a good thing.

I want to be made to cry.... but im a stubborn bitch really... ive cried three times.... once when i cracked a joke to MrV and he didnt find it funny so he wallopped me around the face.... the shock just made me cry, i had never been hit around the face before, so that plus knowing i had displeased him... its funny now though, but it wasnt at the time.

The next time was when my nipples were being flogged with that bastard barbed wire flogger,... that really fucking hurt and cry i did. The third time was when the uber degraded me..... in such a delightful way that it makes me all hot and bothered thinking about it now..... fuck hes a bastard arghhhh... hmmmmmmmmmm

I have been talking about the caning i so desperately need.... there comes a point after dishing out so much pain that you need to receive it back... i need to be shown my place..... it equals me out... but why the cane when in reality i hate it..... well... one i know he likes it and he places the cane so carefully on your arse that you are left with the most delightful marks.... beautiful stripes.... and he canes hard, well i hope he will.... so that the marks will last for ages.... so to be marked by him with marks which should last *at least 4 weeks.. why the fuck wouldnt i want to do it? Seems perfect to me... then i can look at them and remind myself of him and what happend.... i can really see the appeal of receiving a perm mark... which is good as long as you stay together i guess.... and i do carry a scar from my first master.... and it means nothing to me now, it wasnt placed there as a perm reminder, it was placed there because he fucked up... so no special meanings at all.... in fact it was the begining of the end.

IM exhausted today.... im too old for this going out till the wee hours..... but while i still can and enjoy myself im gonna bloody continue doing it.... think i may go for a kip actually... maybe watch a little porn before hand... actually thats a point... i am not feeling horny.... summot is wrong im nearly always feeling horny and right now im not.... so im forcing myself to masturbate anyway.... lol i obviously need some real life stimulus to get me going.. its been so bloody long....
ETA:~ *when i said at least i actually meant up to.... flippin hell

B text me earlier, hes a guy who i met some time back, well a week or so ago and i like him, but he thinks i'll do a runner after a brief period of time as im so far in on the scene. I can kinda get that but if you like someone then you would give it a go? I think its just bollox, but in fairness to him we have continued to talk daily... which is odd. He contacts me and i contact him so its not all one sided. Anyway he sent me a message on ic and i looked at his profile to see hes added a girl from birmingham, he went up there last weekend. So i think im now understanding why hes not interested or am i? He someone you cant tell if he likes you or not, hard bloody work... so should i be worried? Nope.... but i like him and it made me feel a bit jealous, im not going to look at his profile again!!

I know im shit....

Ive just read through this blog, shit i dont half write some bollox. ots have happened to me since i last updated..... some good some not so good. Same old usual shit if im honest. Started to do some femdom stuff which i enjoy, despite the fact im a submissive... well i call myself a submissive but in reality fuck knows what i am... i dont know.... i find most men to be tedious little pricks that i just want to knock ten bells of shit out off. The only guys im seriously interested in are fucking lunatics.... in many ways..... so where do i fit in? I dunno that is where.

On the bloke from im still seeing the uber though had a good 5 month gap... then i thought ah fuck it lets see if he is a cunt or not.... and he was lovely, a cunt.. but a lovely one. So im going to see him again after only a month.. i need to find myself someone who is like him but not like him... a harder task than it sounds lets me assure you.

I met some guy who i rather liked, B, but he thinks im too extreme... that i would get fed up after a couple of months.... *yawns* do you recon thats the polite way of saying well actually i think your fucking minging? Anyway we're still talking... i like talking to him as it happens.... he's interesting unlike 95% of the other scuz buckets that frequent the net.... hes a sadist too... just think he could have had me but he declined... the wanker, his loss.... why do they say its his loss? Of course it isnt his fucking loss he dont like me its me that likes him, so in reality its my loss... is it supposed to make me feel better? Well it doesnt....

i must write more, i must write more often

SEriously i do not get the time to keep this thing up. Im so busy doing, ermmmmmmmm doing nothing.

The private party thing was nice, got tied by some guy who learnt to do rope out in japan. Really knew his stuff... was really interesting being tied by him too as he uses his whole body to do it, using his legs to hold mine into place, exaggerating the movement with his hands across my body when he places the rope. Probably the best bondage to date.... loved it.

Took the ballet boots and managed to stand in them reasonably well, im going to do the strappado early april at some london peer workshop thingy...... so it wont be the uber doing it. Which is ok i guess...... why should i let him have all my firsts when the relationship isnt a relationship.. nah..... anyway pictures to follow on that front.

Been wearing my 6" heels at home and can walk quite comfortably in them... i ventured out in them but i could only walk from my house to my car before i had to remove them, still a long way to go there then. The ballets havent been put on since the weekend, though i have just ordered another pair off ebay for £29.. what a bargain.. lets see what they look like when they arrive.

Last night someone who i used to speak to a fair bit messaged me out of the blue. Telling me apparently i hurt him.. i have no idea how or why, he wont say..... obviously emotionally. He came across as a guy who just wanted a bit of spanking and a threesome, well that aint my thing so i wasnt interested... so how he's got this idea about me leading him on i have no idea...... seriously some of the people that do this bdsm malarkey are proper strange, yes even me.

Ive started dieting properly...... i have to do this.... but this afternoon im hungry..... i need food, i need the uber but cant have him........ arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..........

Oh bondage....

up yours.

Strange dreams last night.... i went to bed willing the uber to be thinking of me, i wonder if that crap works.. lol And woke up coming out of a dream where MrV had just had his evil way with me! That was quite a nice dream as it happens.... Hmmmmmmmmm. I had been telling someone about the mental connection that i had with MV at the time when i submitted to him.... it was a very short relationship but i was just so open to him... and now 1.5 years neaarly after it ended i started crying when i was writting about him. Im not sure why, obviously still some unresolved issue there somewhere... maybe if it had finished ddue to us hating each other it would have been different... but he promised me one day he will come back and get me when he is well enough to take on a submissive..... and i think a large part of me is still waiting for that day. Between MV and the uber...... well MV would be the one..... and whereas i thought i had gotover him... it is becoming clear that in fact i have not.... the bastard!! :-P

Why do we always want what it is we can not have?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

This weekend i have been invited to two private parties.... most excellent. One my friends, close friends... which would be ok if i had nothing else on. And the other is by three guys who are seriously good with rope bondage.. did i mention before im a rope slut? Anyway its a bloody tough call........ ive asked if i can take my posture collar, camera and ballet boots.... hehehehhe guess what im going to be doing this weekend... unfortunately they dont have a suspension point.... or else i would be doing the strappado, even though i told the uber he can do it.... i cant see him till next month, his fault.. and what is a girl supposed to do?? Remember this is a non commitment relationship..... so why should i remain loyal to just him? I shouldnt.. i wont fuck anything else though...... that is his... and his alone.... well for now ;-)

One of the boys i have been playing with has been talking to another woman and is askinng for me and him to play with her and her 3 partners.. ermmmmmmmmmm NO, he can play with them.. im not.... and if he does i wont touch him again. Im funny like that.... i expect loyalty.. this woman has pissed me off... DONT FUCKING move in on MY toys.... shes done this before with my slave.... and he told her to feck off.. he is completely loyal to me physically... cyberly hes a man whore but thats ok.... i dont like the scene as it is so bloody incestuous.. now im pissed off and need to see the uber for a beating and i cant .. so arghhhhhhhhhh..... anyway i will update on this point in the future....

Protocol is if someone is playing/belongs to someone else you dont go near it.. so why the fuck am i the only one on the london scene that sticks to it? I think i may start making moves on their toys.. see how that makes them bloody feel grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...........................

Phew...

Had to write a report at work today and i have just finished it, its like the stress has just lifted off my shoulders. I like working under pressure, but detest it when i have very small time frames to do it in... plus this report will be picked apart by a prick of a solicitor.... quite funny really as the last time i saw this guy he was trying to be professional in a very informal meeting.. knob.... then after he emailed me that he thought he recognised me and started to roll off his jobs, fitness instructer, lawyer.. wanker.... i ignored it as it was wholey inappropriate and unprofessional, though very funny as when we're in front of the judge next week i will be able to smile sweetly and he's gonna feel like a prick, well either that or he is gonna completely make me work... so i had to make sure my report was spot on, and it is.... so bring it on!!

Last night i slept with my boots on for a couple of hours, i used the big toe pad and some other pad thing, then i wrapped my feet in bandages, then socks, then the boots... and yeah i could stand in them quite comfortably, could really feel the presure on my ankles though, normally i dont. I managed to walk around grasping hold of my cupboards as i did so.... the dog wasnt impressed with me stepping ovver him as he tried to sleep..lol Then i tried to sleep... but got pins and needles so had to take them off, it took a while for the feeling to come back into my foot, thats not good..... so need to loosen the bindings off a tad, could still do with a bit of foam padding in the toes..... but it was barable... but only for a short period. For the bondage the uber is going to do with me im going to need to be able to stand at least 30 mins to be able to do it the way he would do it. No quickly get in to it and take pics, then get out to save my feet..... phah i suspect he would want me to suffer at least a little bit.

Wasnt on line much last night... which is a good thing really, dunno why i waste my time with the idiots that are on loads...... i just need to focus on what im doing for me and feck everyone else.

My self esteem is back to where it should be, still not sure if it was sub drop or hormonal.... its bloody horrible feeling like that really. I cant for one moment imagine what it would feel like to feel like that all the time. Well i guess if i did i would try and find a suitable relationship where i didnt have to worry about other's. I actually seek out poly relationships because im bloody stupid, well not that really though obvioulsy i am.... but i do have a natural propensity to get jealous, the way i see it is if i get into relationships where i know they will be seeing other people then im less likely to get stupid.... i just dont want to see it right in front of me... anyway enough of that bollox....

crash...

After seeing the uber it is fair to say initially i was flying high... so high that even my work colleagues could tell... "what ever it is you have been doing you need to keep doing it" i was informed. Not that im usually a miserable cow, but i was just grinning... yanno the kind of grin that you have when you have just spent some wonderful time with someone whom you just simply adore.

Unfortunately come sat that feeling began to subside, and crash i have! I spent a few hours having snooze time on sat then went out sat night to subversion, which was nice. But i have been feeling down, possibly not helped by the fact i came on on sat too!!

Ive been having strange thoughts comparing myself to imaginary girls that he must be attracted too. Its funny really as i have no idea what he is attracted to, yet what ever it is its not going to be me... they're going to be young, very thin and very attractive... unlike me... why the hell do i compare myself against imaginary people? How the fuck do i know what he likes in a girl? The truth is i really dont have a clue yet i torment myself with these irrational thoughts... its stupid and i know it is, yet i still do it to myself... im a fecking idiot!!

Today at work ive been really busy which has been good though very stressful. But it means i havent really had tie to wallow in im not good enough thoughts. I think the trigger is he mentioned to me he may come to a club that i will be going too... i dont want him too... thats my environment... why the hell does he want to come back out on the scene? If he does go he will take a girl or two... and i will see, i will see the kind of girl he finds attractive and i will see that i am nothing like her.... then i will know that there would never ever be a chance of me ever becoming his.... there probably isnt anyway, but right now i have a hope i could be.... see how im distorting things???

Me? Well im 5'4" not skinny, shapely.... my measurements are 34e, corseted 24" 40" hip... i am what some wold consider to be attractive, even he calls me pretty.... i always make an effort to be presentable when i go out. Generally im calm and rational... people dont see this beat myself up side..... i tend to keep it to myself, or post about it somewhere where people wont see, generally as i know its complete bollox. More importantly im sane, well ish... im not a psycho bunny boiler..... i know it doesnt really sound like it in this post... but the long and short of it is why the fuck wouldnt he want me? Plenty of people do..... im not as bad as i would like to think i am.... in fact quite the opposite... im actually pretty damn cool... now stop feeling fucking sorry for yourself and take things as they come.. what will be will be and if you are ever meant to be his you will be, if you're not you wont.... getting all stupid about it isnt going to change that.... sometimes i hate being a hormonal female.... phah!!!!!

i need to try

and update this regularly.... i can barely tecall what happened since between when i last posted and now!!

I saw the uber on tuesday 3/3/09.. as per the usual he broke a limit. I havent discussed limits with him to be fair, i did this on purpose so he can just do as he wishes and push me. So he stuck a bag over my head... i detest that kind of thing. I dont like not being able to breath out of my nose and/or mouth. He put the bag on and as you breath it slowly closes in on you.... and if he wound you up and you began to breath faster it wold close more rapidly until it closed in around your nose and mouth so you cant breath... i didnt like it, it didnt create a sense of panic like when he strangles me.... it was different. On reflection i think i could take more but at the time i hated it.

I mentioned to him about my ballet boots and wanting to do the strappado bondage position with my corset, ballet boots and posture collar on. He suggested he did it and then he can take pictures, i responded saying i wanted someone nice to do it... he said no you dont you want a bastrad to do it... i wonder if he knows i call him the uber bastard... he does know my online scene name so he could find out if he wanted too, though i suspect he doesnt bother looking what im getting up too.

On reflection i think he is right, if he's doing it i know i will be getting the position done properly plus it would give me the incentive to work hard on my training, it will be as if im doing it for him and the reward will be him doing the bondage with me.... i like that and i emailed him telling him so.

I met the guy my friend wanted me to meet but basically he smelt..... so that isnt going to happen ever in a million years!!

Last sunday i bumped into my first real Master, MV.... he hasnt been out and about for a long time due to personal reasons so it was good to see him... i miss him and how he used to make me feel. There are two men that i would submit to fully, the uber and MV... and funnily enough neither of them want me... bloody typical!!!!

bloody men....

Well im trying to clear the dead wood out of my life and focus in more positive things in my life, basically that means im trying not to think about men too much... easier said than done... i decided to just see the uber... and fuck the rest of them.

Well that was yesterday, i decided to ring the uber to arrange to see him and it was proberbly the most awful phone call of my life, i normally email him. The conversation went along the lines of...
him: hello
me: hello
him: hello... the phone sounded like it was breaking up...
me: hello...
the phone disconnected....

so i tried again...

him: HELLO
me: hello
Him: hello what do you want.. really rudely..
Me: i want to see you... and then the phone went down... i have no idea if he knew it was me, i withold my number, i have no idea if he could even hear me as it kinda sounded like maybe he couldnt.. at any rate, his telephone manner is simply shocking... and if that had been the first ever communication i wouldnt go near him with a barge pole.. he was stern and bloody rude...

i then emailed him... and see if he responds, if he doesnt then im not going to pester him... i was shocked a little by the call... and its kinda put me off him, it wa a different him to the one i usually see... maybe its the real him?

I spelt in the ballet boots last night, well for 3.5 hours then i took them off.. i didnt try to walk in them as of yet... i may try tonight if i get the padding in the toes sorted out!!

A very respected woman on the scene is trying to match make me with a person..... he seems ok but i really cant be fucking arsed... im either going lezza or becoming a nun!! And why do men vanish and come back.... i get this loads.... they always come back after a while... twats... can you tell im not in a happy mood? Anyway.. i have pancakes to be making... i love pancakes... hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Boots, boots.... BOOTS

Well finally the boots arrive, stunningly beautiful. Knee length leather ballet boots... ive been waiting ages for these babies and here they are.... when you first put them on they are a little difficult to do up... possibly due to being corseted and that restricting how much i can bend... got them both on and tried to stand... my god seriously they hurt all the muscles in my legs and my toes... well they put all the pressure/weight of me onto the very tip of my big toe.

Since having them i have tried to find suitable padding for the toes and i have been wearing them at least two hours a day. Yesterday was not a bad day as i was able to walk around clinging to furniture for about 5 mins, not standing up i hasten to add!

Today though was a very different story boots on with padding in one toe... and socks this time, but as soon as i tried to stand i got cramp, im tired from a heavy weekend so one can only assume that is the reason why... oh well. Took the boots off after two hours and my kegs are still aching slightly.

I have to say this really isnt going to be as easy as i thought...

Isnt it friday yet?

Well rather typically he was short and larger than one would hope, not only in terms of weight but he used to do this body building stuff and you can tell, and that kinda thing really doesn’t float my boat…. He was ok looking though, but the pout thing he does in his pics he does in real life..lol He got me pished.. 2 glasses of wine.. and did I ever shut up? Nope not at all, and did I happen to drop in the uber? Yup of course I did… anyway he has been in contact and I have been responding… do looks really matter? Today I have left my phone at home by accident so god knows who’s been in touch……… he’s a nice guy… but ….

One thing that has happened as a consequence, and something that I usually do, is that when I see other potential Masters it just makes me think of the uber, nothing comes close to him in terms of looks, body and what he can do to me. I don’t think there is anything about that man that is wrong…. He is just perfect! Well other than the fact he isn’t mine, or should I really say he isn’t interested in making me his….. People have said I need to tell him how I feel… but I cant, im so scared of rejection by him, not only that but if he isn’t interested then it will mean that I wont be able to see him again, and I cant allow that to happen. Nothing comes close to him and without that I would be so lost… maybe I would, maybe I wouldn’t…. maybe its just while I cling on to the thinking that he is so perfect it doesn’t allow me to open myself up to others?

History wise when I first started seeing the uber I told him what it was I was looking for, that was someone that I can see regularly with no other commitments, I wasn’t looking for a relationship I informed him, I just want regular casual. And here I am some 7 months later completely in awe of this man who has quite simply rocked my world and turned it upside down. How can I now say well actually I was wrong and I think I care more for you than you know I would be open to a relationship if you would like…. Then I would become that typical woman who does this, and that I cant do…. Plus he could well tell me to sod off….. why would he want a commitment with someone he gets all the best bits from already….. though the last time he saw me he did happen to mention that it had been the best orgasm that he had so far this year, and yes I know its very early on in the year… but that’s still good right… it means he enjoys what we do….. and surely that’s half way there? Or maybe im over thinking…. lol

Im in the mood for seeing him but I am being so busy with work Im unable….. and its going to be like this for the next couple of weeks. I need to focus on something else, I would normally say something or someone but to be honest thinking of someone else will be futile… the only other that could distract me is conkord and he’s actually ignoring me… I was supposed to ring him on Thursday night and I didn’t….. but I text him yesterday, only 5 days late, though it was quite rude something along the lines of are we gonna meet or what? And needless to say he so far hasn’t responded, guess I cant really complain about that.

My ballet boots are being delivered today… about time too!! So I have suddenly adapted this mindset of eating well… how strange I have been eating shit of late which hasn’t been helping with my weight, corset or high blood pressure…. Anyway today I have started… I have the incentive that I need.

Interestingly a girl whom I know in real life was speaking to me about my body modifications… im heavily tattooed and have a few piercing dotted around the place…. According to her, shes been raised in the lifestyle…..(im not saying she hasn’t, what I am saying is I suspect she talks a lot of crap) and she was brought up that a submissive should present herself as unblemished…. This is crap to me, some Masters will like tattoo’s and others wont… each to their own if they don’t it would be fair to say we would have very little in common… its just the way it is. I guess she’s been reading too many books on the subject.. the Gor ones more than likely. An interesting thing is though my body is quite strange to look at now. I have large boobs, 34E a very small waist 24” and large hips 40”… when I dress to go out I dress to impress, I have no problems finding Gentlemen despite my modifications, they are appealing and as I informed her the waist training and the heel training are in fact symbolic to my submission…. But… if a submissive has to be so perfect, so unblemished… why the hell is she a size 22? Not that I have anything against big girls as I see myself as being big too… but isn’t it kinda like the same thing.. if you have to present your self as being this ideal of being a desirable object then you wouldn’t self neglect your body from the inside…. Grumble, grumble…. Anyway my way is the one twue way so stuff what anyone else thinks….

long time no see

The doom and gloom didnt last very long really, well one day. I just guess it depends on who you talk too and their own personal view on that which is edge play. I spoke to one guy who i speak to quite regularly and he just said he wished that he could find someone like me... so essentially i guess it is all completely objective...... anyway its by the by i adore the pro and all he does end of.

So much has happened to me since i last wrote here... in fact writing this now i cant quite remember what my last input was... anyway it matters not.

The person who felt like they had so much in common with me.. well one night he was acting like a child on msn, writing all that pathetic on line talk which i cant stand... so he can bugger off. Plus he's off work on long term sick and now living with his parents.... so not really someone that i would see as being a strong dominant man... and yes we can all have bad times, but pleaseeeeeeee.... if he had of been good looking i probably would have been more forgiving but he isnt so stuff that.

Had an excellent weekend this weekend, Friday was the west london munch and there was a guy there selling really cheap decent quality kit... i got a cane £2, and a fiberglass £4 leather covered cane. posture collar for £5 and someone bought me a leather belt which is nice for £3.. how sweet, he said if you dont buy it for you im going to buy it for you.... i tried it on and went to look in the mirror on my way back i got hoodwinked and put into bondage, as yer do... so by the time i went to the guy to pay the other guy already had!!

Then A who had been doing the knife play demo decided to carve me up a bit.... and he made me bleed... which he enjoyed... and now hes quite keen to play with me. Well he thinks he is a vampyer, this is a cool thing my very first Dom also was into vampyerism.... so yeah i dig that whole scene... we exchanged numbers.. i was drunk as usually i try to avoid him as he is a bit of a man whore... and he tried to ring me on Sat but i ignored it...

Conkord let me down again and i was supposed to ring him on Thursday to make other arrangements.. needless to say i didnt bother... he made me feel needy and insecure so im not going to bother with him anymore and he can continue to chase me in the 4 weekly cycles like he does... and i will continue to tease him like i do.. but nothing more will come of it than that.

Talking to one other M... who lays claim to being into TEP and M/s..... but they all say that and mostly they are all so completely full of crap... plus he's little 5'8", and stocky.... looks short and fat to me.. ex rugby player.... we're supposed to be meeting tomorrow.... we shall see.
Other than that im on which is good as it means im going to be able to see the uber soon and at the end of the day he's the only one i want... i just wish he wanted me too..... maybe he does... well a girl can dream... :o)

An old friend of mine got back in contact over the weekend, he has lots of issues and is gender confussed. Quite funny really as we went out one night clad head to toe in rubber and it got a bit saucy... "will you just fuck me" i demanded... which he would have done if we had condoms.... anyway he has now been autorised through the NHS to become a girl... so ive gone from trying to turn a gay guy straight.. to a lesbian... anyway we have made a pack.... i was almost the last person he had got a bit jiggy with... and im going to the first when he's a bird.. i am straight but come on how many others can say they have been with a chick with a dick... gonna be really fecking strange.... my life is a bit odd isnt it.... seriously i am completely normal and sane i assure you... well kinda.

Dark Thoughts

Im in a bit of a strange place right now, thanks to an earlier conversation with someone who i thought would understand what recently happened to me. The guy himself is into hanging, bit of a strange one that but after experiencing erotic asphyxiation it is actually quite nice. Its a most strange sensation when you’re rasping for breath at the mercy of another.... it really does heighten all your senses and despite what people may think its pretty nice as experiences go. Assuming one knows one is completely safe, well actually the buzz comes from when one believes that one really isn’t completely safe.

Anyway after discussing my recent adventure with the uber with ths individual he had a bit of a go at me, well not me, but saying how the uber was unsafe and that i should find myself someone else to play with. It actually upset me, and worse still it did make me question if the uber was a safe player or not. Like i have ever played safe anyway..... i play risk aware and suddenly im thinking is this safe.... helloooooooo i know its not, he fucks up i die thats the reality of it. I cant gloss it over... i cant make it seem ok, i know it sounds completely insane but that is the cold truth of it... my life is completely in his hands, he makes one mistake thats the end of me.

It boils down to trust, do i trust that this man knows how far he can go, is he aware of what he is doing. The long and short of it is yes i do trust him emphatically... he started out in this life as a sub, i know that he’s told me... he himself has experienced the whole breath play thing. He has 20 years experience in BDSM.... i know he isn’t really gonna want to kill me.... 25 years in the slammer. Well actually i suspect it could be more... perverts are usually given whole life sentences.... because of the obscene nature of the crime.... i would have been the innocent victim and he would have been the sad fuck who prayed on innocent women on the internet and watched disgusting porn ... he wouldn’t get done for manslaughter, he would probably get done for murder and then the key would be thrown away..... so its safe to assume he wouldn’t really wanna go through that.

It still doesn’t make it better how im currently feeling. Being a typical woman i need to externalise the emotions that im going through. But the problem is when you are engaging in this edge play malarky not many understand as they see the personal risks as being too high. So after speaking to this person who put me in a dodgy headspace i looked for someone with experience who i know i could trust to speak to to help me work it out. And yanno what i couldn’t find one.... i couldn’t find one person who i thought could help me put this back into prospective. It’s a lonely place when you feel that you have nothing in common with anyone, that you think no one will understand what it is that you enjoy and why you enjoy it... when even the members of the minority community that is bdsm think that you’re a insane freak because you’re willing to go just that little bit further than most.... suddenly the realisation that yes the only person that you can completely trust and rely on is yourself, but then what happens when you actually begin to doubt yourself?

well

ive seen a picture.......

Its been bloody cold outside hasnt it?

Does it really matter? Yes it does........................ :o(

musing

Yanno the whole internet dating thing is really rather strange, you can go for months where you just seem to be talking to idiots who between them don’t have a brain cell, and then every once in a while you start talking to someone who really seems to hit your buttons..... well im currently in a he hits my buttons moment.

The profile was spot on, he see’s things exactly how i do.... cant really see what he looks like from his picture though. Some in this world do say it really shouldn’t matter. You’re submitting for the sake of submitting rather than to the person... what bollox, basically if some guy is gonna be getting his hands on me i at least want to feel at least slightly attracted to him.
But what he writes is just me, hes like the complete opposite of me.... he’s a 37 year old switch, he’s already in a relationship with a Mistress and is now seeking a submissive. Thats cool by me as i have the ownership of a sub and play with another, and ive started talking and meeting another too.. so possibly 3 submissives. So who ever i submit too is gonna have to be ok with that. I don’t have sexual contact with submissives............ (liar)................. ok so one i do.... but if i was in a relationship with another i wouldn’t.

Poly stuff is quite funny , previous i was completely monogamous.. and prone to jealousy. Since engaging in BDSM i have kinda sought out poly relationships as a way of trying to curb my jealousy. Its ok if you know he’s going to be seeing others and as long as you feel secure then its generally not too bad... though you do still have your moments... like i did the other day. Im ok knowing things are going on, i don’t wanna know whats going on... then its the red flag to the bull moment, incidently i am a taurean ;o)

Anyway this guy is saying the same as me basically.. the expectations, boundaries seem to be similar.. its not often i get to speak to someone who thinks like i do. Despite my foul mouth and obvious brash nature m view on submission is really quiet intense. I like lots of control and for the most part would be happy with high protocol... she says that only because she has never experienced it properly .....

Ah i dunno.... sometimes you want to get excited yet time after time evidence tells you don’t bother coz yanno he’s gonna turn out to be another complete cunt... do you think calling Doms cunts is bad? Oh well.... i wouldn’t call the uber a cunt.... i do concord though ... he likes me to call me his dirty little cunt... strange man.... he’s lucky hes got that body i tell yer....
Ive contacted the shop ive ordered the ballet boots from today, they still haven’t come and its been a month... im seriously not happy. If they don’t come back with a suitable response im gonna cancel the order and buy from punative shopes... expensive but lovely.....
Another good thing about this guy he’s into body modification, waist training, heel training the whole lot... tis all too good to be true...

End of the week.... woo hoooo

Im not sure why i have been so tired of late. Initially it was after the session with the uber... i was left so exhausted i thought it was that but maybe its something more. The other day i experienced a nose bleed while washing the dishes, im not sure if its the beginning of a cold, high blood pressure, or simply the bodies shock response to me washing the pots. Anyway i feel a bit like im getting a cold but its nor really developing so who knows. I have an appointment with my GP next Thursday to get my bloody pressure tested again, i wont wear the corset before i go just to give my body the best chance.

Last Sunday i got an email from a 'friend' actually shes my best friend accusing me of walking away from confrontation. It actually offended me somewhat as im fiercely loyal to my friends, so for someone to say that is rather like a good slap around the face. Anyway ive decided not to respond to the email and i have decided that if that is how she feels she can fuck right off. I dont usually get offended much and just tend to brush things off, but that was too close to the mark. Its just that when shes feeling shite i shouldnt be enjoying myself, well thats not going to happen so im going to put me first from now on. And although i have been accused of doing so all the time i think a certain person is going to realise just how much i was there for her. On the flip side however, i do wonder if some of that email was her way of getting attention from me... accusing me of stuff to get me to respond. It is true to say that we havent been spending so much time together of late, well shes formed a new friendship with someone else which is positive, someone not quite as outgoing as i, and i have been giving her space to do that. Oh well best not to think about these things i guess, shes a big girl and she needs to learn that slagging people off isnt a way to make or keep friends!!

Conkord rang me last night, he didnt sound his usual self. He initially messaged my on the site we met on, he asked me why i was never on line and he had been trying to find me. I told him the truth in as much as i have deleted him off my msn. Sometimes i can get a bit neurotic if someone is on line and i want to talk to them and they're busy. They should be talking to me afterall..... initially i deleted so he could continue to talk to me when he required. But for some reason, the last time i had a pop at him i guess, i deleted and blocked. He had been trying to ring me but i have been having early nights since the uber so havent picked the calls up, his number is witheld so how am i supposed to know its him? He should have text me... so anyway despite the fact he's been thinking ive been ignoring him completely we are going to meet, well apparently lets see if it happens. Seriously this guy has got the fittest body on the planet.... and he has this lovely air of arrogance about him.... yum yum.... i know not the right reasons for bottoming to a guy but yanno if yer gonna do it at least do it to someone cute.. ;o)

Bottoming, thats what im doing isnt it.. im bottoming to two and not submitting to anyone.... how bloody depressing.... depressing but fun.... one day..... one day it will come. I think maybe i need to work on my attitude i appear to have lost the path of late.... sometimes i dont like being as fiesty as i am... i swear too much, im cheeky.... but on the positive side i do offer complete devotion and dedication which does go way beyond what many others do.... i have the heart of a submissive even if my mouth does let me down on occasion..

Thoughts..

The intensity of D/s can only really be experienced when one has felt the complete selflessness that comes from engaging in activities that require a total exchange of power. Placing your mind, body and soul completely in the hands of another, to have such an unquestionable trust in that person. How can one say they have actually really experienced life if they have not ever felt what it is like to have the very essence of their life placed completely in the hands of another, to be completely at their will, and completely at their mercy?

I have been speaking to others who have not been happy with my recent escapades. "its not ssc". Well i have never really understood the principles of ssc, nothing much of what i do as a submissive, or a sadistic top, could really be considered safe. To me RACK, Risk Aware Consensual Kink, makes much more logical sense, yes im aware of the risks or else i wouldnt engage in the first instance. The fact i seek out Gentleman who i know will push me way beyond what many consider acceptable is another matter completely, and despite me trying to analyse this i have not yet been able to come up with a suitable cause.

Another problem identified with my recent session was that some Doms/sadists do not like to be pushed by the sub/masochist. Apparently my decision not to beg for release put him in a position where he had to act, i made him do what he did or else he would appear to be weak. I have not really considered that before, though if i think with my submissive head on he could do what ever the hell he wanted to do and it would have been ok with me... its his will. One 'friend' told me he would have let me down and kicked me out. I guess that would have been an indicator that i am actually more willing to go further than him... he would have felt powerless in the exchange. Fortunately the Gentleman i engage in such activities with is well experienced and didnt see it as such, he went as far as he had to go ... in the battle of our wills he won, and he always will. Though it has upset me a little that i could have not pleased him by my actions.

As a top i enjoy playing with people who have a little spirt, i do enjoy being pushed too. It makes it much more fun and rewarding when you finally take them down. I guess some men may feel threatened by this, and some wont. I do know the master i play with likes extremes and dark stuff, though i have never really discussed how far he is willing to go and what he expects from a submissive. Maybe it is time that i actually asked......

Im not sure why dominant males complicate such things......

"The definition of Insanity... Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
Albert Einstein

arghhh

Ive been on one of the web sites i use and i happened across someone talking about the guy i see, he's a pro dom and someone mentioned he knew of him. I felt a rush of jealousy... i dont want anybody else seeing him. I know this prick doesnt know the uber really... ive met the guy and he's one of these insignificant idiots who has something to prove. I feel like telling him to shut up.

Anyway, getting back to the bit that is important... jealousy... mine... jealous of him possibly seeing other girls. I know he does, he's fit and could have his pic of girls. So why does it provoke such a reaction from me when i see his name being banded about on a Internet site?

Its not like he would cross over the boundaries of the relationship, i know he doesnt.... i want him and i want him to be mine... all mine and no one elses.. errrrrrrrrrr yeah coz that is really going to happen. I need to do a piece of work looking at vanilla emotions and D/s ones... i have to keep him in his box because this really doesnt feel good, writing about it here helps... but i obviously have much bigger issues that i need to work on............ :o(

What a feckin liberty..

This weekend has been quite an interesting one. The london munch on fridy, it was heaving and i had a wonderful time. Was funny though as on the way conkord rang, i couldnt speak and so he said he will ring me on Sunday or Monday, i have been having a few late night calls from a withheld number and his number was withheld.... im wondering if it was him? Though usually he just texts me telling me to ring.

Anyway i met w at the munch, had a laugh, it was his first fetish thing so it was all a bit too much for him. A certain female friend of mine quite liked him and asked if she could have him. I didnt really realise this game was more akin to being at a meat market.... anyway i told her to sod off he's mine, which he is. I doubt he would have been interested anyway if im honest.

Went to ST on sat night... i looked the dogs bollox in me rubber catsuit and pvc corset. Had a great night got put into some really good bondage and tied to a chair and was tormented... i love how they do that when you actually cant do anything physically about it... grrrrrr

Sunday went to the LAM and again had a great time, havent been in a while so it was good to catch up with some old friends. Though Djin got into a grump as usual... he's a right moody fucker at times. But it did make me reflect on the issue of power exchange, sometimes it almost like a vanilla relationship, he sulks to try and get power and he aint bloody getting it!! At the LAM i actually got a posture collar.... now all i need is my ballet boots and im sorted... CAN YOU FUCKING HURRY UP.

Got home and there was an email from the afore mentioned female, basically having a go at me for not supporting her with the incident that happened ages go, apparently i walked away from confrontation. That is bloody amazing as i was actually stood between the pair of them so a fight couldnt start. I think this has been forgotten about. I suspect it boils down to this particular person being jealous of me, which she readily admits too. But should i allow her to keep putting me down, she does this to ohers too.... im not sure why. Well i know it makes her feel slightly better about herself.. anyway im undecided if to respond or not, i have written a response but do i send it?

She has massive self esteem issues.. and that isnt my problem, i cant help it that i enjoy my life.. i cant help it that men are attracted to me as i really make an effort to get dressed up when i go out and im fun.. i cnat help that.. i cant help it that others are jealous as they do not have the same fun i do..., im not changing for anyone and right now im really fucked off that a so called friend can accuse me of not treating her with the same respect she treats me when all the fucking time she tries to pinch my men...

This particular person has also befriended another woman who i dont really like, yanno when there is something you just cant put your finger on.... well im rather selective about who i have as friends.... and if i dont see people as having anything in common with me i aint gonna bother.... so ive been letting her get on with that friendship and ive been keeping out of it, also because i know she's down and there is only so much you can do.

In the last couple of months i have been in some sort of bullshit caused by women.. seriously to god sometimes im ashamed to be female.. they are fucking mental.... sort it out you psycho bithces no wonder men dont fecking want you.... jesus christ....

sorry that turned into a bit of a rant there... whoops.. :o) Fuck em.... im living my life you want to wallow in self pity then fuck right off......

its a strange place...

Im slowly coming to terms with what happened to me on tuesday. Im not sure really why it has had the dramatic effect that it has.... but its left me really racking my brains for answers. Why do i let him do these things to me, where will this all end? Does he like me... though what has got to do with anything i really don't know. I suppose in a way i want the person who i am experiencing these profound things with to have the same mutual respect for me as i have for him... or am i just seen by him as being a random who he sees and fucks for cash. Though admittedly the amount i pay is nominal and i pay it in order to "keep it in its box", what ever the fuck that is supposed to mean.... i let this man invade the inner most sanctum of my mind and body and i have to keep it in its box... must be a male thing i guess. They are better At disengaging sexually and emotionally than women... to them its an act which requires no emotional connection i guess.

I think its kinda weighing heavy on me... surely i should be doing these kind of things with someone whom i do have a deeper connection with, someone that i am in a relationship with? But in saying that i have been seeing this guy for 7 months... and that is 3 months longer than any other D/s encounter than i have ever experienced. They do say you need to disengage vanilla emotions from the D/s one's, if i was able to do this i think i would cope better; its not that im not coping... its that im thinking way too much, typical woman behaviour i guess.... there is a massive part of me that wants him to want me as much as i want him.... and that isnt appropriate for many reasons. I want to have this man take me by the hand and to have me follow him where ever it is that he would like to take me..... but it isnt ever going to happen... and i need to fully get my head around that, i want to please him.... but there is no reason really why i should... i owe him nothing and he gives me nothing in return for my sacrifice, well other than damn good sessions.... and great sex ;o)

Maybe this is sub drop.... maybe the realisation that im getting into this s&m malarky more than i would have liked... maybe i need to be loved back.... rather tham this cold interation that im getting... maybe i just need to go out and get pissed and forget it all for now.. that sounds like a plan to me...