Bolloxin crap....

Emotional dilemma's, oh joy.... in fact not only emotional.... just dilemma's... im not very good with making decisions, my mind while one moment can be made up and steadfast, can on the other hand make decisions i probably wouldn't, or shouldn't, make.

There are two things that i pride myself on, the first is my loyalty to the partner im with.... now the uber isnt exactly my partner.... but yanno casual for 18 months... well to me that actually isnt actually casual... to me he is my master..... even though he isnt.. im monogamous.... always have been and as far as i can tell i always will be, that is what feels right to me. The uber is someone i trust my life with completely.... as things have progressed it has become more intimate.... not only do we get on really well in terms of how we 'play' but also out of that... i respect him... he is a man who is quiet in his dominance, he doesnt need to try to convince others that he dominant or sadistic.... he just is..... and that is something i really like about him.... hes not someone who gets off on his own hype like so many others..... he offers complete discretion and a mind blowing time.... i can pretty much be assured that when i go to see him he will push me and satisfy the craving deep with me .. a lot of this may well be how i have seen it in my own mind.... i probably have put him on this pedestal and created this person with whom i am so completely dedicated too despite the fact he does not require it of me.

The other thing which i like is that i dont play within the scene, its so incestuous and that to me is not what the dynamics of these relationships are about..... my relationships have to now been very selective, i dont engage with people who play the field... i will not become just another number, a notch on the bedpost, i am worth more than that ....i only entertain those that i can trust emphatically.... my submission is something very special to me... when i give myself its everything heart, body and soul..... why would i forsake that and have a fleeting thing with someone who probably just sees me as a conquest? Basically I shouldnt.... i should remain true to me....

Ive been asked to think about where i see things with the uber and if a casual, very casual one off play casual, would play on my mind.... depending on my mood i could do it easily .... but when i think of the uber i see a man that truly deserves the use of me ... i see a man whom im so very attracted to on so many different levels.... i see a man that excites me beyond belief... i see a man who does offer me some loyalty in as much as the confines of the relationship allows... i see a man i trust with my life literally... thats quiet something you know..

Is my loyalty to him misplaced? Should i be so completely loyal to someone who in real terms doesnt give a toss what it is i get up too? Im not saying he doesnt care about me as a person as i know to some degree he does.... but im free to come and go and do as i wish.... no constraints.... my loyalty is all self imposed.... is he deserving of it..... should i contradict my strong moral beliefs for the sake of a casual fling that im not sure if i will enjoy or not...... what if i dont? Will i be able to just brush it under the carpet and get on with it... im usually pretty good with that..... to be honest but i really dont know... i dont know if i want to and i dont know if the person in question is worth me going against my beliefs for a momentary bit of fun..... im not so convinced right here right now that its a smart thing to do.