Obsession....

It is, seriously its like an obsession… he fills every spare moment of my thoughts. I was in a meeting yesterday, a rather important meeting and my thoughts just kept drifting off on to him and certain things which he did to me…. “open your mouth”.. I guess it’s a slightly unhealthy obsession at that…. I adore him and yet to him im pretty much a nothing. I wonder if it this kind of dynamic which appeals to me…., I adore how I cant manipulate him, I adore how he gives this impression that he really doesn’t give a shit….. I adore that he makes me chase him…. I adore that if I didn’t I would never see him again, I adore that despite my repeated attempts to pull away from his hold I continually go back and each and every time I do go back it just gets better and better…im not sure if that is my interpretation on it… I do wonder if he sees it the same way… does he feel the increased level of intensity or is it all just in my mind…. I suppose he has so much going on in his life and im a nothing in that….

Yet he is a massive part of my life and he really isn’t aware of just how massive a role he plays. There hasn’t been a day that I haven’t thought about him at least once since I started seeing him…. I have pretty much stopped looking for a relationship, well there is no real need is there…. And when people have expressed a wish to get to know me on a more intimate level I inform them that I will not stop seeing him… and of course no one is then interested, which is good because really im not interested in them anyway….

There was one guy I rather liked and would have gave the uber up for…. But rather typically he wasn’t interested in me…. I do wonder why I like the guys that do not like me… that’s a bit of a fucker… at least with the uber I can have access to him…. Which makes the emotional masochism a slightly sweeter pill to swallow, then I have the inner turmoil it causes me when I fuck myself up mentally… sometimes I think I should tell him but I doubt really he would be interested, its not the dynamic of our ‘relationship’ afterall.

I need to look a bit more into emotional masochism and self worth issues I suspect, despite how I feel so confident generally the uber strips this down to the raw core of who I really am….. sometimes im ok with this and other times im not…. Some aspect of me wishes I was doing it with someone who gave a fuck…. But those that know me say the dynamic works and has lasted so long simply because he doesn’t give a fuck… and yes I fully understand that and get that…. I love the sensation of having him for that moment.. and then that being pulled away from me… the knowing I cant ever have him regardless of how much I crave for him….. ah I dunno.. maybe I need to sort my life out and stop projecting these really strong emotions on to someone..

The sudden change in heart has come around because ive just received a text from the guy who I would drop the uber for…. Despite the fact he doesn’t want me he texts every day… well he thought it would be a nice thing to tell me today hes been in touch with his ex… I wonder what the hell that is all about…. Why do they do that? Maybe I should respond with oh really? Well I got fucked over senseless by the uber the other night and it was fucking amazing… as usual.. he always is… but im a bit more sensitive than that I guess… don’t really know why I should be though… men are sometimes such twats…. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Oh and concord has been in contact… he wants to meet me… dunno if I can be bothered… he recons next Friday… I recon im gonna be busy…. Im sure I will be… maybe I should go lezza afterall