For Fucking fucks sake...

I was going through the site i usually frequent and came across one of the ubers pictures.... so i looked for his name and there he was, well two pictures of him... the account had always been there but he had never used it, but now his bloody pics were there, no details about him however..... just an empty profile with 2 pics, he had last been online 5 days ago.... it made me feel sick.... jealousy i guess....... im not sure..... but its really fucked up my mood.... i dont want him to use that site, just like i dont want to see him out on the scene.... its really fucking my head up..... its gonna really tear me apart if i see him getting a network and stuff.... i need to not look at his profile.... hopefully i will be able to resist.. i need to get him out of my head to stop him tearing me up like this.., i think the fact that the sessions were more intimate the last couple of times have not done me any good... before i could not go and see him for a few months and i didnt give a toss...... now its like im becoming this jealous, possessive, psycho bitch......... i want him.... i want him to want me...... it fucking rips me apart... emotional masochism.... i need to look in to it.. why do i screw myself over so incessantly? Hes got nothing to do with it.. he may know how i feel to a degree, i would be bloody amazed if he didnt... but its all me screwing myself up with my own thoughts and feelings....... ive had two people recently tell me i look amazing recently, one of whom was the uber as it happens.......... and another told me last night that he thinks im "beautiful and interesting"..... oh really....... if thats the fucking case then why can i not have the only one thing in the world that i long for so much that it hurts me so bad?