i must write more, i must write more often

SEriously i do not get the time to keep this thing up. Im so busy doing, ermmmmmmmm doing nothing.

The private party thing was nice, got tied by some guy who learnt to do rope out in japan. Really knew his stuff... was really interesting being tied by him too as he uses his whole body to do it, using his legs to hold mine into place, exaggerating the movement with his hands across my body when he places the rope. Probably the best bondage to date.... loved it.

Took the ballet boots and managed to stand in them reasonably well, im going to do the strappado early april at some london peer workshop thingy...... so it wont be the uber doing it. Which is ok i guess...... why should i let him have all my firsts when the relationship isnt a relationship.. nah..... anyway pictures to follow on that front.

Been wearing my 6" heels at home and can walk quite comfortably in them... i ventured out in them but i could only walk from my house to my car before i had to remove them, still a long way to go there then. The ballets havent been put on since the weekend, though i have just ordered another pair off ebay for £29.. what a bargain.. lets see what they look like when they arrive.

Last night someone who i used to speak to a fair bit messaged me out of the blue. Telling me apparently i hurt him.. i have no idea how or why, he wont say..... obviously emotionally. He came across as a guy who just wanted a bit of spanking and a threesome, well that aint my thing so i wasnt interested... so how he's got this idea about me leading him on i have no idea...... seriously some of the people that do this bdsm malarkey are proper strange, yes even me.

Ive started dieting properly...... i have to do this.... but this afternoon im hungry..... i need food, i need the uber but cant have him........ arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..........

Oh bondage....

up yours.

Strange dreams last night.... i went to bed willing the uber to be thinking of me, i wonder if that crap works.. lol And woke up coming out of a dream where MrV had just had his evil way with me! That was quite a nice dream as it happens.... Hmmmmmmmmm. I had been telling someone about the mental connection that i had with MV at the time when i submitted to him.... it was a very short relationship but i was just so open to him... and now 1.5 years neaarly after it ended i started crying when i was writting about him. Im not sure why, obviously still some unresolved issue there somewhere... maybe if it had finished ddue to us hating each other it would have been different... but he promised me one day he will come back and get me when he is well enough to take on a submissive..... and i think a large part of me is still waiting for that day. Between MV and the uber...... well MV would be the one..... and whereas i thought i had gotover him... it is becoming clear that in fact i have not.... the bastard!! :-P

Why do we always want what it is we can not have?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

This weekend i have been invited to two private parties.... most excellent. One my friends, close friends... which would be ok if i had nothing else on. And the other is by three guys who are seriously good with rope bondage.. did i mention before im a rope slut? Anyway its a bloody tough call........ ive asked if i can take my posture collar, camera and ballet boots.... hehehehhe guess what im going to be doing this weekend... unfortunately they dont have a suspension point.... or else i would be doing the strappado, even though i told the uber he can do it.... i cant see him till next month, his fault.. and what is a girl supposed to do?? Remember this is a non commitment relationship..... so why should i remain loyal to just him? I shouldnt.. i wont fuck anything else though...... that is his... and his alone.... well for now ;-)

One of the boys i have been playing with has been talking to another woman and is askinng for me and him to play with her and her 3 partners.. ermmmmmmmmmm NO, he can play with them.. im not.... and if he does i wont touch him again. Im funny like that.... i expect loyalty.. this woman has pissed me off... DONT FUCKING move in on MY toys.... shes done this before with my slave.... and he told her to feck off.. he is completely loyal to me physically... cyberly hes a man whore but thats ok.... i dont like the scene as it is so bloody incestuous.. now im pissed off and need to see the uber for a beating and i cant .. so arghhhhhhhhhh..... anyway i will update on this point in the future....

Protocol is if someone is playing/belongs to someone else you dont go near it.. so why the fuck am i the only one on the london scene that sticks to it? I think i may start making moves on their toys.. see how that makes them bloody feel grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...........................

Phew...

Had to write a report at work today and i have just finished it, its like the stress has just lifted off my shoulders. I like working under pressure, but detest it when i have very small time frames to do it in... plus this report will be picked apart by a prick of a solicitor.... quite funny really as the last time i saw this guy he was trying to be professional in a very informal meeting.. knob.... then after he emailed me that he thought he recognised me and started to roll off his jobs, fitness instructer, lawyer.. wanker.... i ignored it as it was wholey inappropriate and unprofessional, though very funny as when we're in front of the judge next week i will be able to smile sweetly and he's gonna feel like a prick, well either that or he is gonna completely make me work... so i had to make sure my report was spot on, and it is.... so bring it on!!

Last night i slept with my boots on for a couple of hours, i used the big toe pad and some other pad thing, then i wrapped my feet in bandages, then socks, then the boots... and yeah i could stand in them quite comfortably, could really feel the presure on my ankles though, normally i dont. I managed to walk around grasping hold of my cupboards as i did so.... the dog wasnt impressed with me stepping ovver him as he tried to sleep..lol Then i tried to sleep... but got pins and needles so had to take them off, it took a while for the feeling to come back into my foot, thats not good..... so need to loosen the bindings off a tad, could still do with a bit of foam padding in the toes..... but it was barable... but only for a short period. For the bondage the uber is going to do with me im going to need to be able to stand at least 30 mins to be able to do it the way he would do it. No quickly get in to it and take pics, then get out to save my feet..... phah i suspect he would want me to suffer at least a little bit.

Wasnt on line much last night... which is a good thing really, dunno why i waste my time with the idiots that are on loads...... i just need to focus on what im doing for me and feck everyone else.

My self esteem is back to where it should be, still not sure if it was sub drop or hormonal.... its bloody horrible feeling like that really. I cant for one moment imagine what it would feel like to feel like that all the time. Well i guess if i did i would try and find a suitable relationship where i didnt have to worry about other's. I actually seek out poly relationships because im bloody stupid, well not that really though obvioulsy i am.... but i do have a natural propensity to get jealous, the way i see it is if i get into relationships where i know they will be seeing other people then im less likely to get stupid.... i just dont want to see it right in front of me... anyway enough of that bollox....

crash...

After seeing the uber it is fair to say initially i was flying high... so high that even my work colleagues could tell... "what ever it is you have been doing you need to keep doing it" i was informed. Not that im usually a miserable cow, but i was just grinning... yanno the kind of grin that you have when you have just spent some wonderful time with someone whom you just simply adore.

Unfortunately come sat that feeling began to subside, and crash i have! I spent a few hours having snooze time on sat then went out sat night to subversion, which was nice. But i have been feeling down, possibly not helped by the fact i came on on sat too!!

Ive been having strange thoughts comparing myself to imaginary girls that he must be attracted too. Its funny really as i have no idea what he is attracted to, yet what ever it is its not going to be me... they're going to be young, very thin and very attractive... unlike me... why the hell do i compare myself against imaginary people? How the fuck do i know what he likes in a girl? The truth is i really dont have a clue yet i torment myself with these irrational thoughts... its stupid and i know it is, yet i still do it to myself... im a fecking idiot!!

Today at work ive been really busy which has been good though very stressful. But it means i havent really had tie to wallow in im not good enough thoughts. I think the trigger is he mentioned to me he may come to a club that i will be going too... i dont want him too... thats my environment... why the hell does he want to come back out on the scene? If he does go he will take a girl or two... and i will see, i will see the kind of girl he finds attractive and i will see that i am nothing like her.... then i will know that there would never ever be a chance of me ever becoming his.... there probably isnt anyway, but right now i have a hope i could be.... see how im distorting things???

Me? Well im 5'4" not skinny, shapely.... my measurements are 34e, corseted 24" 40" hip... i am what some wold consider to be attractive, even he calls me pretty.... i always make an effort to be presentable when i go out. Generally im calm and rational... people dont see this beat myself up side..... i tend to keep it to myself, or post about it somewhere where people wont see, generally as i know its complete bollox. More importantly im sane, well ish... im not a psycho bunny boiler..... i know it doesnt really sound like it in this post... but the long and short of it is why the fuck wouldnt he want me? Plenty of people do..... im not as bad as i would like to think i am.... in fact quite the opposite... im actually pretty damn cool... now stop feeling fucking sorry for yourself and take things as they come.. what will be will be and if you are ever meant to be his you will be, if you're not you wont.... getting all stupid about it isnt going to change that.... sometimes i hate being a hormonal female.... phah!!!!!

i need to try

and update this regularly.... i can barely tecall what happened since between when i last posted and now!!

I saw the uber on tuesday 3/3/09.. as per the usual he broke a limit. I havent discussed limits with him to be fair, i did this on purpose so he can just do as he wishes and push me. So he stuck a bag over my head... i detest that kind of thing. I dont like not being able to breath out of my nose and/or mouth. He put the bag on and as you breath it slowly closes in on you.... and if he wound you up and you began to breath faster it wold close more rapidly until it closed in around your nose and mouth so you cant breath... i didnt like it, it didnt create a sense of panic like when he strangles me.... it was different. On reflection i think i could take more but at the time i hated it.

I mentioned to him about my ballet boots and wanting to do the strappado bondage position with my corset, ballet boots and posture collar on. He suggested he did it and then he can take pictures, i responded saying i wanted someone nice to do it... he said no you dont you want a bastrad to do it... i wonder if he knows i call him the uber bastard... he does know my online scene name so he could find out if he wanted too, though i suspect he doesnt bother looking what im getting up too.

On reflection i think he is right, if he's doing it i know i will be getting the position done properly plus it would give me the incentive to work hard on my training, it will be as if im doing it for him and the reward will be him doing the bondage with me.... i like that and i emailed him telling him so.

I met the guy my friend wanted me to meet but basically he smelt..... so that isnt going to happen ever in a million years!!

Last sunday i bumped into my first real Master, MV.... he hasnt been out and about for a long time due to personal reasons so it was good to see him... i miss him and how he used to make me feel. There are two men that i would submit to fully, the uber and MV... and funnily enough neither of them want me... bloody typical!!!!