The downward spiral

Im not feeling so loved up now.... had a few things happen which have probably contributed towards this..... last night B, who i like decided to text me to tell me hes been in contact with his ex.... why do they feel a need to tell you such things i wonder, i told him i thought he was very insensitive.... maybe on reflection i shouldnt have... coz at the end of the day does it really matter.... i just feel like an emotional dumping ground for people and that kinda pisses me off.

Then i went out for dinner with bill and min..... hes lost weight... and hes looking pretty good..... i still feel attracted to him which isnt good..... through out the night he carried on his usual behaviour though with drinking and stuff... so i doubt hes changed at all...... he just looks rather nice i guess... oh well....... i dont think i can be arsed with all the crap really... blokes are strange..... they confuse me and i think im just better off shutting them all out......as they drain me emotionally. Fuck em all i say.. Bill has just text saying he enjoyed the evening and that he thought I looked fantastic…. So two guys I fancy this week telling me I look fantastic…. Yet I don’t really feel it.

Last night I experienced needles…. It’s the second time, the first time was rubbish apparently you are suppose to feel this amazing high… so I had to give it another go. Min did it… a night with two of the most sadistic people I know… seriously one needs to learn not to get yer boobs out in front of such people!! Anyway I did, all in the name of research naturally…. She is so good, seriously…. But good god she hurt me… and gave this very contented hmmmmmmmmm as I responded to her wickness…. I think that’s something that worries me most about sadists,,.. they do so love watching you suffer for them…. What was also incredibly hot was being watched while she tormented me….. being watched by someone I actually really rather fancied it was hot for loads of reasons… god I do think im getting worse.. Anyway as a consequence of her actions my nipples are really killing today… any little movement close to them hurts, I seriously cant take nipple pain.. though apparently I did well….. so sore nipples and a sore stripy ass…. The pain from the cane is muscular rather than surface… it feels really deep…. Which is divine.

"You are bisexual" she keeps telling me, errrrr i really dont think so, yes i get off to female on female porn.. but i just dont find women sexually attractive. I cant imagine that i would ever do anything with another woman, well unless it was forced, i would do it then just not sure how i would feel about it. The idea certainly doesnt repulse me, but then it doesnt really get me excited either... i like men...... and being fucked properly, you know a fist full of hair and rough, which brings me to the fantasy i have of erotic asphixiation while the uber fucks me across the floor like only he can do. *sighs*

Obsession....

It is, seriously its like an obsession… he fills every spare moment of my thoughts. I was in a meeting yesterday, a rather important meeting and my thoughts just kept drifting off on to him and certain things which he did to me…. “open your mouth”.. I guess it’s a slightly unhealthy obsession at that…. I adore him and yet to him im pretty much a nothing. I wonder if it this kind of dynamic which appeals to me…., I adore how I cant manipulate him, I adore how he gives this impression that he really doesn’t give a shit….. I adore that he makes me chase him…. I adore that if I didn’t I would never see him again, I adore that despite my repeated attempts to pull away from his hold I continually go back and each and every time I do go back it just gets better and better…im not sure if that is my interpretation on it… I do wonder if he sees it the same way… does he feel the increased level of intensity or is it all just in my mind…. I suppose he has so much going on in his life and im a nothing in that….

Yet he is a massive part of my life and he really isn’t aware of just how massive a role he plays. There hasn’t been a day that I haven’t thought about him at least once since I started seeing him…. I have pretty much stopped looking for a relationship, well there is no real need is there…. And when people have expressed a wish to get to know me on a more intimate level I inform them that I will not stop seeing him… and of course no one is then interested, which is good because really im not interested in them anyway….

There was one guy I rather liked and would have gave the uber up for…. But rather typically he wasn’t interested in me…. I do wonder why I like the guys that do not like me… that’s a bit of a fucker… at least with the uber I can have access to him…. Which makes the emotional masochism a slightly sweeter pill to swallow, then I have the inner turmoil it causes me when I fuck myself up mentally… sometimes I think I should tell him but I doubt really he would be interested, its not the dynamic of our ‘relationship’ afterall.

I need to look a bit more into emotional masochism and self worth issues I suspect, despite how I feel so confident generally the uber strips this down to the raw core of who I really am….. sometimes im ok with this and other times im not…. Some aspect of me wishes I was doing it with someone who gave a fuck…. But those that know me say the dynamic works and has lasted so long simply because he doesn’t give a fuck… and yes I fully understand that and get that…. I love the sensation of having him for that moment.. and then that being pulled away from me… the knowing I cant ever have him regardless of how much I crave for him….. ah I dunno.. maybe I need to sort my life out and stop projecting these really strong emotions on to someone..

The sudden change in heart has come around because ive just received a text from the guy who I would drop the uber for…. Despite the fact he doesn’t want me he texts every day… well he thought it would be a nice thing to tell me today hes been in touch with his ex… I wonder what the hell that is all about…. Why do they do that? Maybe I should respond with oh really? Well I got fucked over senseless by the uber the other night and it was fucking amazing… as usual.. he always is… but im a bit more sensitive than that I guess… don’t really know why I should be though… men are sometimes such twats…. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Oh and concord has been in contact… he wants to meet me… dunno if I can be bothered… he recons next Friday… I recon im gonna be busy…. Im sure I will be… maybe I should go lezza afterall

contentment

Why reinvent the wheel? Dunno what that is supposed to mean in the context of what im about to write but what i want it to mean is this, if someone ticks most of your boxes.... why change it? I haven’t been in a proper D/s ‘relationship’ as a sub in coming up to 2 years now..... i have been seeing the das uber Bastard since may 2008... 17 months, and do you know what he still amazes me almost as much as he manages to piss me off.... well he is a bloke init. ;-)

My fucking arse is killing..... and its wonderful..... seriously he blew my mind.... funny, not so long ago while talking randomly with a guy, someone who is more nutty than i.... he asked if i get a collar when we play... “no i gets a noose”.... who said fucking romance was dead? Not quite sure why he always tries to hang/strangle/kill me, actually its got to the point that i do it to myself .... fuck its a strange feeling when you go all woozy... but yay for strange sensations in the hand of a complete sadistic bastard.

He liked the way i looked, i dressed in pencil skirt blouse and corset.... plus the boots he likes.... i was left dressed this time but he did fuck me and he did stick his cock in my mouth.. its been ages since hes done that... we were talking about age after... and now he asks for proof of age... anyway isaid well you have never asked me yer barstood.... to which the cheeky fucker responded have you got your pension book on you? I said i look good for my age yer cheeky sod.... and he said “you look fucking amazing for your age”... and he called me his pretty whore.. or summot... ah i dunno its all a mish mash.... and he kissed me... not on the lips... but there was a fair bit of kissing going on , him me and me him.. it was fucking hot.... and he said he really enjoyed it... “that was fucking hot” to be exact... and even told me he will be wanking to the thought of me tonight... lol fucking amazing..

Crimson

Weeeeeeeeeeell, crimson was a bit of a blast..... i played loads..... as in topped loads... and even did a girlie, that was quite nice actually as it allows me to be more caring and tender.... i dont bother so much with the boys, wham bam take it you fucker... if i can take it so can you..... but with the girlies one can be softer, though i dont think i was... but just generally be more caring... it was nice and i enjoyed it, especially when she started crying.... ive played with two girls in my time... and both cried....tis a good thing.

I want to be made to cry.... but im a stubborn bitch really... ive cried three times.... once when i cracked a joke to MrV and he didnt find it funny so he wallopped me around the face.... the shock just made me cry, i had never been hit around the face before, so that plus knowing i had displeased him... its funny now though, but it wasnt at the time.

The next time was when my nipples were being flogged with that bastard barbed wire flogger,... that really fucking hurt and cry i did. The third time was when the uber degraded me..... in such a delightful way that it makes me all hot and bothered thinking about it now..... fuck hes a bastard arghhhh... hmmmmmmmmmm

I have been talking about the caning i so desperately need.... there comes a point after dishing out so much pain that you need to receive it back... i need to be shown my place..... it equals me out... but why the cane when in reality i hate it..... well... one i know he likes it and he places the cane so carefully on your arse that you are left with the most delightful marks.... beautiful stripes.... and he canes hard, well i hope he will.... so that the marks will last for ages.... so to be marked by him with marks which should last *at least 4 weeks.. why the fuck wouldnt i want to do it? Seems perfect to me... then i can look at them and remind myself of him and what happend.... i can really see the appeal of receiving a perm mark... which is good as long as you stay together i guess.... and i do carry a scar from my first master.... and it means nothing to me now, it wasnt placed there as a perm reminder, it was placed there because he fucked up... so no special meanings at all.... in fact it was the begining of the end.

IM exhausted today.... im too old for this going out till the wee hours..... but while i still can and enjoy myself im gonna bloody continue doing it.... think i may go for a kip actually... maybe watch a little porn before hand... actually thats a point... i am not feeling horny.... summot is wrong im nearly always feeling horny and right now im not.... so im forcing myself to masturbate anyway.... lol i obviously need some real life stimulus to get me going.. its been so bloody long....
ETA:~ *when i said at least i actually meant up to.... flippin hell

B text me earlier, hes a guy who i met some time back, well a week or so ago and i like him, but he thinks i'll do a runner after a brief period of time as im so far in on the scene. I can kinda get that but if you like someone then you would give it a go? I think its just bollox, but in fairness to him we have continued to talk daily... which is odd. He contacts me and i contact him so its not all one sided. Anyway he sent me a message on ic and i looked at his profile to see hes added a girl from birmingham, he went up there last weekend. So i think im now understanding why hes not interested or am i? He someone you cant tell if he likes you or not, hard bloody work... so should i be worried? Nope.... but i like him and it made me feel a bit jealous, im not going to look at his profile again!!

I know im shit....

Ive just read through this blog, shit i dont half write some bollox. ots have happened to me since i last updated..... some good some not so good. Same old usual shit if im honest. Started to do some femdom stuff which i enjoy, despite the fact im a submissive... well i call myself a submissive but in reality fuck knows what i am... i dont know.... i find most men to be tedious little pricks that i just want to knock ten bells of shit out off. The only guys im seriously interested in are fucking lunatics.... in many ways..... so where do i fit in? I dunno that is where.

On the bloke from im still seeing the uber though had a good 5 month gap... then i thought ah fuck it lets see if he is a cunt or not.... and he was lovely, a cunt.. but a lovely one. So im going to see him again after only a month.. i need to find myself someone who is like him but not like him... a harder task than it sounds lets me assure you.

I met some guy who i rather liked, B, but he thinks im too extreme... that i would get fed up after a couple of months.... *yawns* do you recon thats the polite way of saying well actually i think your fucking minging? Anyway we're still talking... i like talking to him as it happens.... he's interesting unlike 95% of the other scuz buckets that frequent the net.... hes a sadist too... just think he could have had me but he declined... the wanker, his loss.... why do they say its his loss? Of course it isnt his fucking loss he dont like me its me that likes him, so in reality its my loss... is it supposed to make me feel better? Well it doesnt....