Dark Thoughts

Im in a bit of a strange place right now, thanks to an earlier conversation with someone who i thought would understand what recently happened to me. The guy himself is into hanging, bit of a strange one that but after experiencing erotic asphyxiation it is actually quite nice. Its a most strange sensation when you’re rasping for breath at the mercy of another.... it really does heighten all your senses and despite what people may think its pretty nice as experiences go. Assuming one knows one is completely safe, well actually the buzz comes from when one believes that one really isn’t completely safe.

Anyway after discussing my recent adventure with the uber with ths individual he had a bit of a go at me, well not me, but saying how the uber was unsafe and that i should find myself someone else to play with. It actually upset me, and worse still it did make me question if the uber was a safe player or not. Like i have ever played safe anyway..... i play risk aware and suddenly im thinking is this safe.... helloooooooo i know its not, he fucks up i die thats the reality of it. I cant gloss it over... i cant make it seem ok, i know it sounds completely insane but that is the cold truth of it... my life is completely in his hands, he makes one mistake thats the end of me.

It boils down to trust, do i trust that this man knows how far he can go, is he aware of what he is doing. The long and short of it is yes i do trust him emphatically... he started out in this life as a sub, i know that he’s told me... he himself has experienced the whole breath play thing. He has 20 years experience in BDSM.... i know he isn’t really gonna want to kill me.... 25 years in the slammer. Well actually i suspect it could be more... perverts are usually given whole life sentences.... because of the obscene nature of the crime.... i would have been the innocent victim and he would have been the sad fuck who prayed on innocent women on the internet and watched disgusting porn ... he wouldn’t get done for manslaughter, he would probably get done for murder and then the key would be thrown away..... so its safe to assume he wouldn’t really wanna go through that.

It still doesn’t make it better how im currently feeling. Being a typical woman i need to externalise the emotions that im going through. But the problem is when you are engaging in this edge play malarky not many understand as they see the personal risks as being too high. So after speaking to this person who put me in a dodgy headspace i looked for someone with experience who i know i could trust to speak to to help me work it out. And yanno what i couldn’t find one.... i couldn’t find one person who i thought could help me put this back into prospective. It’s a lonely place when you feel that you have nothing in common with anyone, that you think no one will understand what it is that you enjoy and why you enjoy it... when even the members of the minority community that is bdsm think that you’re a insane freak because you’re willing to go just that little bit further than most.... suddenly the realisation that yes the only person that you can completely trust and rely on is yourself, but then what happens when you actually begin to doubt yourself?