crash...

After seeing the uber it is fair to say initially i was flying high... so high that even my work colleagues could tell... "what ever it is you have been doing you need to keep doing it" i was informed. Not that im usually a miserable cow, but i was just grinning... yanno the kind of grin that you have when you have just spent some wonderful time with someone whom you just simply adore.

Unfortunately come sat that feeling began to subside, and crash i have! I spent a few hours having snooze time on sat then went out sat night to subversion, which was nice. But i have been feeling down, possibly not helped by the fact i came on on sat too!!

Ive been having strange thoughts comparing myself to imaginary girls that he must be attracted too. Its funny really as i have no idea what he is attracted to, yet what ever it is its not going to be me... they're going to be young, very thin and very attractive... unlike me... why the hell do i compare myself against imaginary people? How the fuck do i know what he likes in a girl? The truth is i really dont have a clue yet i torment myself with these irrational thoughts... its stupid and i know it is, yet i still do it to myself... im a fecking idiot!!

Today at work ive been really busy which has been good though very stressful. But it means i havent really had tie to wallow in im not good enough thoughts. I think the trigger is he mentioned to me he may come to a club that i will be going too... i dont want him too... thats my environment... why the hell does he want to come back out on the scene? If he does go he will take a girl or two... and i will see, i will see the kind of girl he finds attractive and i will see that i am nothing like her.... then i will know that there would never ever be a chance of me ever becoming his.... there probably isnt anyway, but right now i have a hope i could be.... see how im distorting things???

Me? Well im 5'4" not skinny, shapely.... my measurements are 34e, corseted 24" 40" hip... i am what some wold consider to be attractive, even he calls me pretty.... i always make an effort to be presentable when i go out. Generally im calm and rational... people dont see this beat myself up side..... i tend to keep it to myself, or post about it somewhere where people wont see, generally as i know its complete bollox. More importantly im sane, well ish... im not a psycho bunny boiler..... i know it doesnt really sound like it in this post... but the long and short of it is why the fuck wouldnt he want me? Plenty of people do..... im not as bad as i would like to think i am.... in fact quite the opposite... im actually pretty damn cool... now stop feeling fucking sorry for yourself and take things as they come.. what will be will be and if you are ever meant to be his you will be, if you're not you wont.... getting all stupid about it isnt going to change that.... sometimes i hate being a hormonal female.... phah!!!!!