Im slowly coming to terms with what happened to me on tuesday. Im not sure really why it has had the dramatic effect that it has.... but its left me really racking my brains for answers. Why do i let him do these things to me, where will this all end? Does he like me... though what has got to do with anything i really don't know. I suppose in a way i want the person who i am experiencing these profound things with to have the same mutual respect for me as i have for him... or am i just seen by him as being a random who he sees and fucks for cash. Though admittedly the amount i pay is nominal and i pay it in order to "keep it in its box", what ever the fuck that is supposed to mean.... i let this man invade the inner most sanctum of my mind and body and i have to keep it in its box... must be a male thing i guess. They are better At disengaging sexually and emotionally than women... to them its an act which requires no emotional connection i guess.
I think its kinda weighing heavy on me... surely i should be doing these kind of things with someone whom i do have a deeper connection with, someone that i am in a relationship with? But in saying that i have been seeing this guy for 7 months... and that is 3 months longer than any other D/s encounter than i have ever experienced. They do say you need to disengage vanilla emotions from the D/s one's, if i was able to do this i think i would cope better; its not that im not coping... its that im thinking way too much, typical woman behaviour i guess.... there is a massive part of me that wants him to want me as much as i want him.... and that isnt appropriate for many reasons. I want to have this man take me by the hand and to have me follow him where ever it is that he would like to take me..... but it isnt ever going to happen... and i need to fully get my head around that, i want to please him.... but there is no reason really why i should... i owe him nothing and he gives me nothing in return for my sacrifice, well other than damn good sessions.... and great sex ;o)
Maybe this is sub drop.... maybe the realisation that im getting into this s&m malarky more than i would have liked... maybe i need to be loved back.... rather tham this cold interation that im getting... maybe i just need to go out and get pissed and forget it all for now.. that sounds like a plan to me...
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