Im not so sure about this one.... i feel anxious about what worked well and what didnt... i felt like he didnt really enjoy it that much.... i did just wade in and there was a fair bit of sexual contact and lots of kissing ... lots and lots of kissing.... i dunno.
I guess my negative feelings are due to him starting off depressed and he really wasnt in a happy mood so that kinda slanted the headspace of it all.... anyway we played we both came and then i left... i left feeling hungry and im physically exhausted... my mood is feeling flat too.... not sure why, if its due to me being knackered..... or not entirely happy with todays events. Maybe a good night sleep will sort me out.
Tuesday, 26 January 2010
Wednesday, 13 January 2010
Happy new year
I know i havent posted in here for a while, i am rubbish at doing these things but this is made especially hard because you can no longer copy and paste word documents in to here.... so i need to keep this window open and as i tend to do this while im at work its difficult.
Anywaaaaaaaaaaay.... i also have got a bit fed up with on line recently, im finding it very boring... i think its because i have other things to be thinking about.
My mood and things have pretty much been good until 11th ... the male client of the uber contacted me again.... i wish he wouldnt.... he doesnt talk to me for ages then out of the blue i get a message... i havent thought about the uber.... till then... i went on his site and looked at his pictures.... i didnt feel anything... but that night i didnt sleep well, i didnt sleep well last night either... im not sure why if im honest... it could be linked, or it may not be.
I met Art (when you spell check his real name kain comes up too :-$) again last night.... we were supposed to meet at 7 near me as he was in london... but his appointment took two hours longer than he expected anyway we got to spend a couple of hours together.... i put pebbles in his shoes and made him walk... when he was in the car he stroked my hair and as we walked he put his arm around me... it feels right, though i do feel a bit self conscious... im not sure why..
In the pub i ask him to plug himself and he does.... i sit with my chair legs on his feet and try to apply pressure.... we just look in to each others eyes and kiss....i stroke his arm.... it all just feels so nice.... though something and im really not sure what feels a tad awkward.... i know he feels the same... he tells me so.. he's so attentive asking why i couldnt have messaged him year ago when i first saw his profile.... he likes being in my company.... im so beautiful.... maybe hes just talking a right load of shit but it feels so god damn nice... i can hand on heart say i go to bed thinking of things i can do to him.... i crave him... he sets my imagination off like no one else has ever done before.
My problem now is trying not to get insecure within the 'relationship', doing my usual insecure bollox.... fretting when he doesnt contact..... he said he wants to see me as soon as possible.... he'll be sending dates he can do.... plus i will be seeing him on 28th when hes doing the gig in camden.... but its difficult seeing him and not being able to have him.... i think some of that is the massive appeal for me too.... being so attracted to him being able to have him to a limited degree but not being able to have the whole of him... fuck it drives me insane with passion.. wanting and lusting..... everything about it is sooo perfect.... please let my insecurity not fuck it up.
Anywaaaaaaaaaaay.... i also have got a bit fed up with on line recently, im finding it very boring... i think its because i have other things to be thinking about.
My mood and things have pretty much been good until 11th ... the male client of the uber contacted me again.... i wish he wouldnt.... he doesnt talk to me for ages then out of the blue i get a message... i havent thought about the uber.... till then... i went on his site and looked at his pictures.... i didnt feel anything... but that night i didnt sleep well, i didnt sleep well last night either... im not sure why if im honest... it could be linked, or it may not be.
I met Art (when you spell check his real name kain comes up too :-$) again last night.... we were supposed to meet at 7 near me as he was in london... but his appointment took two hours longer than he expected anyway we got to spend a couple of hours together.... i put pebbles in his shoes and made him walk... when he was in the car he stroked my hair and as we walked he put his arm around me... it feels right, though i do feel a bit self conscious... im not sure why..
In the pub i ask him to plug himself and he does.... i sit with my chair legs on his feet and try to apply pressure.... we just look in to each others eyes and kiss....i stroke his arm.... it all just feels so nice.... though something and im really not sure what feels a tad awkward.... i know he feels the same... he tells me so.. he's so attentive asking why i couldnt have messaged him year ago when i first saw his profile.... he likes being in my company.... im so beautiful.... maybe hes just talking a right load of shit but it feels so god damn nice... i can hand on heart say i go to bed thinking of things i can do to him.... i crave him... he sets my imagination off like no one else has ever done before.
My problem now is trying not to get insecure within the 'relationship', doing my usual insecure bollox.... fretting when he doesnt contact..... he said he wants to see me as soon as possible.... he'll be sending dates he can do.... plus i will be seeing him on 28th when hes doing the gig in camden.... but its difficult seeing him and not being able to have him.... i think some of that is the massive appeal for me too.... being so attracted to him being able to have him to a limited degree but not being able to have the whole of him... fuck it drives me insane with passion.. wanting and lusting..... everything about it is sooo perfect.... please let my insecurity not fuck it up.
Saturday, 26 December 2009
bah humbug
it wont let me copy and past into hre after i have just written shit loads.. the bastard thing
Monday, 21 December 2009
so much...
as happened since i last posted.
Ok so i went out with my ex, and it was an awful experience.... he got drunk and pretended to be this demon thing and actually hurt me three times just by being a bumbling piss head..... it wasnt nice and reminded me how bad he was when i was actually seeing him. I stopped seeing this guy when i started seeing the uber..... this guy tried to convince me he had changed and guess what.... no he fuckin hadnt. Anyway i got out of there and no real harm done.... now i will just avoid like the plague and i have told my mutual friend so she knows not to try and push us together because im really not interested.
A little while ago, 2 weeks i think, i started talking on line to this guy that i had noticed several years ago.... tall, cute, singer in a rock band, tattoos.... just fucking fit really... anyway way back when he had a girlfriend and yanno things get forgotten, not that i would have ever messaged him anyway.... he was gorgeous.... way too georgeous for me you know. Anyway he posted something and i commented, he found my profile amusing and we just got talking... a dom guy who actually preferred to be a submissive... despite the fact he married his slave.... anyway we talked for 2 weeks then arranged to meet. Not before his bloody wife messaged me asking what my intentions are.... i want to fuck your husbands brains out should have been my response.... but i said i am his friend. She should have spoke to hi about this, not me.... anyway they talked he told her it remained all good.... well i assume so as the meet is still on.
We meet and its very awkward initially... i had booked a hotel... i knew i liked him and the chances of me not wanting to play with him would have been slim. Anyway i have done pro sessions so i can do stuff with people im not physically attracted too.... ive proved it to myself. He gets in the car and i have to drive 45 mins to the hotel... me focusing on the road him talking away... its didnt feel too uncomfortable.... we arrive at the hotel, a beautiful place in chichester called the fish house... we check in..... we et asked about bag which we have left in my car as my case os packed with implements of torture..... we get showed to the room, we go to the car to get the goodies.... i pour a drink for us to relax a little.... and lay out the stuff. *knock, knock* WTF, he moves the kit off the side which would have been fully exposed as soon as i opened the door.... i opened the door and the young girl who showed us to the room was standing there saying she needed to restock the mini bar and proceeded to hand me a packet of crisps.... i wouldn't mind but the mini bar was fully stocked already.... most odd but very funny.... i think it made us both relax a tad.
I sit on the stool and instruct him to strip, he does so..... then i have a look... tell him to get on his knees with his arms behind his head as i finish my drink... he had knocked his back... im not that scary really honest. Then i tell him to prepare the shower..... he goes and gets in.... i follow and wash him... which is nice, he has a lovely body and running my hands over him with soap was lovely.... i could tell he was nervous...... but he did enjoy that..... then one thing and another and 3 hours later we left..... i returned after i had dropped him back and had a good night with numbers there generally talking and doing needles and stuff..... i could have done with just being on my own really as i felt relaxed and just wanted to sleep..... anyway its done now.
The feedback from the new boy has been , hes very attentive and we will be meeting again.... im already looking forward to it... there was one moment when he pulled my hair and tried to push me back... fuck it was hot i felt myself go..... im not sure how this relationship is going to work out... but it has the potential of becoming a relationship... i can see me switching with him.... it will be interesting to see how it develops over time... i think we're both in it for the long haul rather than the hear and now....
Oh and something else worth noting is i havent really been thinking about the uber..... not at all...
Ok so i went out with my ex, and it was an awful experience.... he got drunk and pretended to be this demon thing and actually hurt me three times just by being a bumbling piss head..... it wasnt nice and reminded me how bad he was when i was actually seeing him. I stopped seeing this guy when i started seeing the uber..... this guy tried to convince me he had changed and guess what.... no he fuckin hadnt. Anyway i got out of there and no real harm done.... now i will just avoid like the plague and i have told my mutual friend so she knows not to try and push us together because im really not interested.
A little while ago, 2 weeks i think, i started talking on line to this guy that i had noticed several years ago.... tall, cute, singer in a rock band, tattoos.... just fucking fit really... anyway way back when he had a girlfriend and yanno things get forgotten, not that i would have ever messaged him anyway.... he was gorgeous.... way too georgeous for me you know. Anyway he posted something and i commented, he found my profile amusing and we just got talking... a dom guy who actually preferred to be a submissive... despite the fact he married his slave.... anyway we talked for 2 weeks then arranged to meet. Not before his bloody wife messaged me asking what my intentions are.... i want to fuck your husbands brains out should have been my response.... but i said i am his friend. She should have spoke to hi about this, not me.... anyway they talked he told her it remained all good.... well i assume so as the meet is still on.
We meet and its very awkward initially... i had booked a hotel... i knew i liked him and the chances of me not wanting to play with him would have been slim. Anyway i have done pro sessions so i can do stuff with people im not physically attracted too.... ive proved it to myself. He gets in the car and i have to drive 45 mins to the hotel... me focusing on the road him talking away... its didnt feel too uncomfortable.... we arrive at the hotel, a beautiful place in chichester called the fish house... we check in..... we et asked about bag which we have left in my car as my case os packed with implements of torture..... we get showed to the room, we go to the car to get the goodies.... i pour a drink for us to relax a little.... and lay out the stuff. *knock, knock* WTF, he moves the kit off the side which would have been fully exposed as soon as i opened the door.... i opened the door and the young girl who showed us to the room was standing there saying she needed to restock the mini bar and proceeded to hand me a packet of crisps.... i wouldn't mind but the mini bar was fully stocked already.... most odd but very funny.... i think it made us both relax a tad.
I sit on the stool and instruct him to strip, he does so..... then i have a look... tell him to get on his knees with his arms behind his head as i finish my drink... he had knocked his back... im not that scary really honest. Then i tell him to prepare the shower..... he goes and gets in.... i follow and wash him... which is nice, he has a lovely body and running my hands over him with soap was lovely.... i could tell he was nervous...... but he did enjoy that..... then one thing and another and 3 hours later we left..... i returned after i had dropped him back and had a good night with numbers there generally talking and doing needles and stuff..... i could have done with just being on my own really as i felt relaxed and just wanted to sleep..... anyway its done now.
The feedback from the new boy has been , hes very attentive and we will be meeting again.... im already looking forward to it... there was one moment when he pulled my hair and tried to push me back... fuck it was hot i felt myself go..... im not sure how this relationship is going to work out... but it has the potential of becoming a relationship... i can see me switching with him.... it will be interesting to see how it develops over time... i think we're both in it for the long haul rather than the hear and now....
Oh and something else worth noting is i havent really been thinking about the uber..... not at all...
Friday, 27 November 2009
Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell........
As part of looking after me I have purchased a shit load of pills from the internet…. Im sure im not supposed to combine them but ahhh fuck it, ive abused my body in the past what is taking a few random pills going to do? Not much I hope… actually that isn’t true.. I hope they do a lot…
Ive started on 5hfp, which is supposed to increase serotonin, its good for things like depression, to curb carb carvings.. helps you have a sound sleep, help with anxiety.. well lets just put it this way a whole heap of things… it does seem to appear it depends on your intake… im sticking to 100mg a day… 1 at night and 1 in the morning…. Been doing it three days thus far and today um feeling fucking amazing… probably has nothing to do with it but anyway, it could do…
On top of that im taking caffeine…. I need to increase my metabolism as now im an old bird… I don’t drink tea or coffee.. so now im taking pulls…. And im topping that up with other stuff, it tells you not to do it but the caffeine content seems so low compared to other supplements I have taken. Mind you on Tuesday I was feeling a bit jittery…. So im looking at a more natural caffeine intake.. green tea and the likes… did you know green tea is supposed to prevent tooth decay… no nor did i… its amazing the bull shit you find on the internet!!
And then of course I have the fat blockers tabs… oralstat/alli…. Im nearly finished with my super strength ones and im waiting for the alli to arrive.. hopefully before I finish the other one… I want the alli for meals that don’t contain much fat and the super strength ones for the ones that do.. like curries.
Don’t ask me about the boys because right now they are the furthest thing on my mind…. Im not feeling all needy today as im feeling so fecking good… plus it’s the London munch so yay…. A jolly good night will be had…. I think I shall be flirting with a certain young man…. A shaved headed one…. Actually I shouldn’t write that.. because when you think it it actually doesn’t happen.. so forget that… ;-)
Nothing else is happening… oh… well other than my sadist female friend is coming out with me new years, well to the same place…. And she asked me about our mutual friend.. the one where I was seeing him then I vanished and started seeing the uber and he vanished then two years on we meet and its like there is this attraction thing…. Well him…. So I text him and he wants to come too… this is going to be a fucking nightmare.. I can see no good will come of this…. I can feel it in my bones… why do I let people get me in to trouble so bloody much??
Anyway back to meeeeeee, meeeeeeeeee its all about meeeeeee….. and damn bloody right it should be too…. It feels good to be me right nbow and oh… just in case you didn’t realise it im looking fucking hot right now… and not only looking it but feeling it too….. woooo hooooooooooooooooo
Ive started on 5hfp, which is supposed to increase serotonin, its good for things like depression, to curb carb carvings.. helps you have a sound sleep, help with anxiety.. well lets just put it this way a whole heap of things… it does seem to appear it depends on your intake… im sticking to 100mg a day… 1 at night and 1 in the morning…. Been doing it three days thus far and today um feeling fucking amazing… probably has nothing to do with it but anyway, it could do…
On top of that im taking caffeine…. I need to increase my metabolism as now im an old bird… I don’t drink tea or coffee.. so now im taking pulls…. And im topping that up with other stuff, it tells you not to do it but the caffeine content seems so low compared to other supplements I have taken. Mind you on Tuesday I was feeling a bit jittery…. So im looking at a more natural caffeine intake.. green tea and the likes… did you know green tea is supposed to prevent tooth decay… no nor did i… its amazing the bull shit you find on the internet!!
And then of course I have the fat blockers tabs… oralstat/alli…. Im nearly finished with my super strength ones and im waiting for the alli to arrive.. hopefully before I finish the other one… I want the alli for meals that don’t contain much fat and the super strength ones for the ones that do.. like curries.
Don’t ask me about the boys because right now they are the furthest thing on my mind…. Im not feeling all needy today as im feeling so fecking good… plus it’s the London munch so yay…. A jolly good night will be had…. I think I shall be flirting with a certain young man…. A shaved headed one…. Actually I shouldn’t write that.. because when you think it it actually doesn’t happen.. so forget that… ;-)
Nothing else is happening… oh… well other than my sadist female friend is coming out with me new years, well to the same place…. And she asked me about our mutual friend.. the one where I was seeing him then I vanished and started seeing the uber and he vanished then two years on we meet and its like there is this attraction thing…. Well him…. So I text him and he wants to come too… this is going to be a fucking nightmare.. I can see no good will come of this…. I can feel it in my bones… why do I let people get me in to trouble so bloody much??
Anyway back to meeeeeee, meeeeeeeeee its all about meeeeeee….. and damn bloody right it should be too…. It feels good to be me right nbow and oh… just in case you didn’t realise it im looking fucking hot right now… and not only looking it but feeling it too….. woooo hooooooooooooooooo
Wednesday, 25 November 2009
Busy, busy, busy
yes i know i promised to write in here but i have been very busy doing..... well doing nothing much but busy i have been. Actually im still not feeling very well and i appear to be very tired a lot of the time, i havent been this unwell in a very long time.... not good.
Other than that i havent been up to much, we're planning our next hunting event in feb.... more of a pampering/hunt type thing.... see if we can drum up intrest in it, hopefully as it sounds to me like it would be good.
In terms of males i havent been doing anything with anyone and im pissed off with them all, im hormonal and grumpy and ill..... im thinking of knocking the uber on the head, i get like this quite frequently not least when i get all insecure and stupid. Sometimes i have such diffiulty separating him from the rest of my life.... arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh sometimes i hate what i do.
Ive decided that im going to focus on me for a while, im going to do some hard core dieting and exercises.... im going to make me look and feel fucking amazing. Fuck em all............
Other than that i havent been up to much, we're planning our next hunting event in feb.... more of a pampering/hunt type thing.... see if we can drum up intrest in it, hopefully as it sounds to me like it would be good.
In terms of males i havent been doing anything with anyone and im pissed off with them all, im hormonal and grumpy and ill..... im thinking of knocking the uber on the head, i get like this quite frequently not least when i get all insecure and stupid. Sometimes i have such diffiulty separating him from the rest of my life.... arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh sometimes i hate what i do.
Ive decided that im going to focus on me for a while, im going to do some hard core dieting and exercises.... im going to make me look and feel fucking amazing. Fuck em all............
Thursday, 19 November 2009
Whos sanity is it anyway?
Well?
Sometimes as I do things, or have things done to me, sometimes I just think this is soddin insane… I guess in reality its probably better to not actually sit there and try to think about it…. Its strange… people are strange, why is it that some of us are pushed into doing these acts which are humiliating, degrading and on the verge of being abusive?
The majority of people I know are sane (to the outside world), professional people…. They have the same life difficulties with relationships as your average joe but they choose to have one foot in this dark world that I frequent.
For some they have a session and that tides them over until the next time…. I wonder if its on their mind all the time like it is mine… I wonder if it consumes them as it does me….. I hope I don’t become to them what the uber is to me…. Not sure I would like that effect on people… but it is so intoxicating…. Completely.
Last night was ok…. I did what it was I had to do, I enjoyed it, well enjoy may have been a bit strong, it didn’t repulse me is more appropriate… think maybe my nails need clipping before I probe people, but other than that it went well… the hour flew by, I wasn’t repulsed by him despite the fact he isn’t someone that I would find attractive, plus he had stockings and high heels and suspender belt on, I detest that.. men should be men! …. But I managed… fuelled on by my friend and the need to accomplish what I had given my word to do….. its emotionless and cold…. An act that has no real meaning for me….. it is possible to disengage your emotions from intimate physical acts…. Maybe that is how the uber is with me… maybe im just something he does because he has too.. its quite interesting really and I think the next time I see him I may try to pick his brains about the distancing and how it is for him… it’s a bit unfair really as I have this expectation in my head that he likes me….and I guess im going to find out the hard truth…. That’s possible good, or potentially bad…. Mind you the uber kisses me…. And tells me it was “fucking hot”, and that I look “fucking amazing” and he calls me pretty and sexy… not really words you say to someone that you are not physically attracted to I don’t think…. Even if you’re a bloke!
Sometimes as I do things, or have things done to me, sometimes I just think this is soddin insane… I guess in reality its probably better to not actually sit there and try to think about it…. Its strange… people are strange, why is it that some of us are pushed into doing these acts which are humiliating, degrading and on the verge of being abusive?
The majority of people I know are sane (to the outside world), professional people…. They have the same life difficulties with relationships as your average joe but they choose to have one foot in this dark world that I frequent.
For some they have a session and that tides them over until the next time…. I wonder if its on their mind all the time like it is mine… I wonder if it consumes them as it does me….. I hope I don’t become to them what the uber is to me…. Not sure I would like that effect on people… but it is so intoxicating…. Completely.
Last night was ok…. I did what it was I had to do, I enjoyed it, well enjoy may have been a bit strong, it didn’t repulse me is more appropriate… think maybe my nails need clipping before I probe people, but other than that it went well… the hour flew by, I wasn’t repulsed by him despite the fact he isn’t someone that I would find attractive, plus he had stockings and high heels and suspender belt on, I detest that.. men should be men! …. But I managed… fuelled on by my friend and the need to accomplish what I had given my word to do….. its emotionless and cold…. An act that has no real meaning for me….. it is possible to disengage your emotions from intimate physical acts…. Maybe that is how the uber is with me… maybe im just something he does because he has too.. its quite interesting really and I think the next time I see him I may try to pick his brains about the distancing and how it is for him… it’s a bit unfair really as I have this expectation in my head that he likes me….and I guess im going to find out the hard truth…. That’s possible good, or potentially bad…. Mind you the uber kisses me…. And tells me it was “fucking hot”, and that I look “fucking amazing” and he calls me pretty and sexy… not really words you say to someone that you are not physically attracted to I don’t think…. Even if you’re a bloke!
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