As part of looking after me I have purchased a shit load of pills from the internet…. Im sure im not supposed to combine them but ahhh fuck it, ive abused my body in the past what is taking a few random pills going to do? Not much I hope… actually that isn’t true.. I hope they do a lot…
Ive started on 5hfp, which is supposed to increase serotonin, its good for things like depression, to curb carb carvings.. helps you have a sound sleep, help with anxiety.. well lets just put it this way a whole heap of things… it does seem to appear it depends on your intake… im sticking to 100mg a day… 1 at night and 1 in the morning…. Been doing it three days thus far and today um feeling fucking amazing… probably has nothing to do with it but anyway, it could do…
On top of that im taking caffeine…. I need to increase my metabolism as now im an old bird… I don’t drink tea or coffee.. so now im taking pulls…. And im topping that up with other stuff, it tells you not to do it but the caffeine content seems so low compared to other supplements I have taken. Mind you on Tuesday I was feeling a bit jittery…. So im looking at a more natural caffeine intake.. green tea and the likes… did you know green tea is supposed to prevent tooth decay… no nor did i… its amazing the bull shit you find on the internet!!
And then of course I have the fat blockers tabs… oralstat/alli…. Im nearly finished with my super strength ones and im waiting for the alli to arrive.. hopefully before I finish the other one… I want the alli for meals that don’t contain much fat and the super strength ones for the ones that do.. like curries.
Don’t ask me about the boys because right now they are the furthest thing on my mind…. Im not feeling all needy today as im feeling so fecking good… plus it’s the London munch so yay…. A jolly good night will be had…. I think I shall be flirting with a certain young man…. A shaved headed one…. Actually I shouldn’t write that.. because when you think it it actually doesn’t happen.. so forget that… ;-)
Nothing else is happening… oh… well other than my sadist female friend is coming out with me new years, well to the same place…. And she asked me about our mutual friend.. the one where I was seeing him then I vanished and started seeing the uber and he vanished then two years on we meet and its like there is this attraction thing…. Well him…. So I text him and he wants to come too… this is going to be a fucking nightmare.. I can see no good will come of this…. I can feel it in my bones… why do I let people get me in to trouble so bloody much??
Anyway back to meeeeeee, meeeeeeeeee its all about meeeeeee….. and damn bloody right it should be too…. It feels good to be me right nbow and oh… just in case you didn’t realise it im looking fucking hot right now… and not only looking it but feeling it too….. woooo hooooooooooooooooo
Friday, 27 November 2009
Wednesday, 25 November 2009
Busy, busy, busy
yes i know i promised to write in here but i have been very busy doing..... well doing nothing much but busy i have been. Actually im still not feeling very well and i appear to be very tired a lot of the time, i havent been this unwell in a very long time.... not good.
Other than that i havent been up to much, we're planning our next hunting event in feb.... more of a pampering/hunt type thing.... see if we can drum up intrest in it, hopefully as it sounds to me like it would be good.
In terms of males i havent been doing anything with anyone and im pissed off with them all, im hormonal and grumpy and ill..... im thinking of knocking the uber on the head, i get like this quite frequently not least when i get all insecure and stupid. Sometimes i have such diffiulty separating him from the rest of my life.... arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh sometimes i hate what i do.
Ive decided that im going to focus on me for a while, im going to do some hard core dieting and exercises.... im going to make me look and feel fucking amazing. Fuck em all............
Other than that i havent been up to much, we're planning our next hunting event in feb.... more of a pampering/hunt type thing.... see if we can drum up intrest in it, hopefully as it sounds to me like it would be good.
In terms of males i havent been doing anything with anyone and im pissed off with them all, im hormonal and grumpy and ill..... im thinking of knocking the uber on the head, i get like this quite frequently not least when i get all insecure and stupid. Sometimes i have such diffiulty separating him from the rest of my life.... arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh sometimes i hate what i do.
Ive decided that im going to focus on me for a while, im going to do some hard core dieting and exercises.... im going to make me look and feel fucking amazing. Fuck em all............
Thursday, 19 November 2009
Whos sanity is it anyway?
Well?
Sometimes as I do things, or have things done to me, sometimes I just think this is soddin insane… I guess in reality its probably better to not actually sit there and try to think about it…. Its strange… people are strange, why is it that some of us are pushed into doing these acts which are humiliating, degrading and on the verge of being abusive?
The majority of people I know are sane (to the outside world), professional people…. They have the same life difficulties with relationships as your average joe but they choose to have one foot in this dark world that I frequent.
For some they have a session and that tides them over until the next time…. I wonder if its on their mind all the time like it is mine… I wonder if it consumes them as it does me….. I hope I don’t become to them what the uber is to me…. Not sure I would like that effect on people… but it is so intoxicating…. Completely.
Last night was ok…. I did what it was I had to do, I enjoyed it, well enjoy may have been a bit strong, it didn’t repulse me is more appropriate… think maybe my nails need clipping before I probe people, but other than that it went well… the hour flew by, I wasn’t repulsed by him despite the fact he isn’t someone that I would find attractive, plus he had stockings and high heels and suspender belt on, I detest that.. men should be men! …. But I managed… fuelled on by my friend and the need to accomplish what I had given my word to do….. its emotionless and cold…. An act that has no real meaning for me….. it is possible to disengage your emotions from intimate physical acts…. Maybe that is how the uber is with me… maybe im just something he does because he has too.. its quite interesting really and I think the next time I see him I may try to pick his brains about the distancing and how it is for him… it’s a bit unfair really as I have this expectation in my head that he likes me….and I guess im going to find out the hard truth…. That’s possible good, or potentially bad…. Mind you the uber kisses me…. And tells me it was “fucking hot”, and that I look “fucking amazing” and he calls me pretty and sexy… not really words you say to someone that you are not physically attracted to I don’t think…. Even if you’re a bloke!
Sometimes as I do things, or have things done to me, sometimes I just think this is soddin insane… I guess in reality its probably better to not actually sit there and try to think about it…. Its strange… people are strange, why is it that some of us are pushed into doing these acts which are humiliating, degrading and on the verge of being abusive?
The majority of people I know are sane (to the outside world), professional people…. They have the same life difficulties with relationships as your average joe but they choose to have one foot in this dark world that I frequent.
For some they have a session and that tides them over until the next time…. I wonder if its on their mind all the time like it is mine… I wonder if it consumes them as it does me….. I hope I don’t become to them what the uber is to me…. Not sure I would like that effect on people… but it is so intoxicating…. Completely.
Last night was ok…. I did what it was I had to do, I enjoyed it, well enjoy may have been a bit strong, it didn’t repulse me is more appropriate… think maybe my nails need clipping before I probe people, but other than that it went well… the hour flew by, I wasn’t repulsed by him despite the fact he isn’t someone that I would find attractive, plus he had stockings and high heels and suspender belt on, I detest that.. men should be men! …. But I managed… fuelled on by my friend and the need to accomplish what I had given my word to do….. its emotionless and cold…. An act that has no real meaning for me….. it is possible to disengage your emotions from intimate physical acts…. Maybe that is how the uber is with me… maybe im just something he does because he has too.. its quite interesting really and I think the next time I see him I may try to pick his brains about the distancing and how it is for him… it’s a bit unfair really as I have this expectation in my head that he likes me….and I guess im going to find out the hard truth…. That’s possible good, or potentially bad…. Mind you the uber kisses me…. And tells me it was “fucking hot”, and that I look “fucking amazing” and he calls me pretty and sexy… not really words you say to someone that you are not physically attracted to I don’t think…. Even if you’re a bloke!
Wednesday, 18 November 2009
Bizarrely…
enough my getting ready for this evenings little soiree has left me feeling a little uncertain of what the hell im playing at. Another late night on the internet meant I couldn’t be bothered to pack the things I need to take with me, a brief message exchange made me be aware I needed to be at my destination by 6pm not the 8pm I first assumed…. So I had to do it this morning…. I opened my kinky cupboard and eventually found my strap on and harness….got the leather straitjacket out, tried to cram it into my bag but I couldn’t get it in, shit… I need the other bag that still has all my bits and pieces in from the hunt… bugger… no pun intended, well ok maybe a little one.
Trying to get ready for work, organise kids and pack a whole host of pervertables in a bag unseen is not an easy task…. I end up leaving it all on my bed, not exposed and decide to take the kids to school then come home and do it…. I go down stairs and no sooner am I in the kitchen when I hear my eldest go upstairs and in to my room arghhhhhhhhhhhhh… so I shout at her “get out my room”. They think im mad, I detest shouting at them despite the fact I do it all the time. I just don’t want her to see whats on my bed, so I upset her…. I upset me… and my thoughts turn to is this shit really worth the grief I give my children.
I have to go shopping, we need lube and I need condoms… for the strap on.. so my basket contains my lunch, condoms, lube and latex gloves…. I do wonder if the checkout girl has any idea of why I require these things. “Have a good day” she say’s politely as I pay….. I look at her eyes and wonder if she could possibly have any idea of what it is that I will be doing later on…. I sit in my car with my thoughts going all over… why am I doing this….. is it worth it…. My head is on auto pilot now, I do it because I have said I will and I like to be reliable… ive said I’ll do it because I want to see if I can do this to someone im not attracted too and afterall he is paying for it… im going to do it because I need to see if I can.
Trying to get ready for work, organise kids and pack a whole host of pervertables in a bag unseen is not an easy task…. I end up leaving it all on my bed, not exposed and decide to take the kids to school then come home and do it…. I go down stairs and no sooner am I in the kitchen when I hear my eldest go upstairs and in to my room arghhhhhhhhhhhhh… so I shout at her “get out my room”. They think im mad, I detest shouting at them despite the fact I do it all the time. I just don’t want her to see whats on my bed, so I upset her…. I upset me… and my thoughts turn to is this shit really worth the grief I give my children.
I have to go shopping, we need lube and I need condoms… for the strap on.. so my basket contains my lunch, condoms, lube and latex gloves…. I do wonder if the checkout girl has any idea of why I require these things. “Have a good day” she say’s politely as I pay….. I look at her eyes and wonder if she could possibly have any idea of what it is that I will be doing later on…. I sit in my car with my thoughts going all over… why am I doing this….. is it worth it…. My head is on auto pilot now, I do it because I have said I will and I like to be reliable… ive said I’ll do it because I want to see if I can do this to someone im not attracted too and afterall he is paying for it… im going to do it because I need to see if I can.
Tuesday, 17 November 2009
Decomparmentlisation... i make it up as i go along
I think im going to try and update this on a daily basis, the problem of course is when I become so busy and don’t get time, I also find when im in a very good mood I feel less inclined to record whats going on, maybe this is my way of externalising my emotions…. It does all seem to make some form of sense when you read it back to yourself, doesn’t quite beat chatting it through with another person however.
I think I need to work a little bit more on my decompartmentalisim (is that a word? Not according to spell check) aspects to my life….. I have so many fingers in so many different pies and it seems the only way I appear to be able to cope with it all is to stick it all in boxes…. The sub me goes here, the sadist me goes here, the mother goes here, the professional woman over there and the pro domme… well this is a new one for me….
So where does it begin, a friend of mine a very well respected dome asked if I would double dome with her…. I thought it would be interesting to do, not for the money but just to see how it worked in principle… PD’in isn’t something that I have really ever thought about I have to be honest…. I have a job that I love and quite frankly just do not have the time… plus I don’t really get the whole role play thing, plus no where to do it etc etc.. a vast number of reasons why not to do it… but shes great and I was curious to see how she strutted her stuff.
To date we have done two session with a guy called C, hes just finding his feet, the first one we both toped him, the second he spanked me…. That was quite nice as it happens… quite sensual unlike the uber… anyway. I get the odd message from him informing me how he is looking forward to the next time…. Its bloody expensive for him… £200 an hour…. For both of us and that is split… he must be mad.
Anyway tomorrow night will be a session with someone I have been introduced too but don’t know… this guy is more into worship and anal.. I have refused to allow him sexual contact but I have agreed to do him with a strap on… not sure really how I feel about that… doing some guy who I don’t know, not attracted too with a strap on….. it will be interesting… lets see how it goes… lets see if I can decompartmentalise it all.. you will be the very first to know…
I think I need to work a little bit more on my decompartmentalisim (is that a word? Not according to spell check) aspects to my life….. I have so many fingers in so many different pies and it seems the only way I appear to be able to cope with it all is to stick it all in boxes…. The sub me goes here, the sadist me goes here, the mother goes here, the professional woman over there and the pro domme… well this is a new one for me….
So where does it begin, a friend of mine a very well respected dome asked if I would double dome with her…. I thought it would be interesting to do, not for the money but just to see how it worked in principle… PD’in isn’t something that I have really ever thought about I have to be honest…. I have a job that I love and quite frankly just do not have the time… plus I don’t really get the whole role play thing, plus no where to do it etc etc.. a vast number of reasons why not to do it… but shes great and I was curious to see how she strutted her stuff.
To date we have done two session with a guy called C, hes just finding his feet, the first one we both toped him, the second he spanked me…. That was quite nice as it happens… quite sensual unlike the uber… anyway. I get the odd message from him informing me how he is looking forward to the next time…. Its bloody expensive for him… £200 an hour…. For both of us and that is split… he must be mad.
Anyway tomorrow night will be a session with someone I have been introduced too but don’t know… this guy is more into worship and anal.. I have refused to allow him sexual contact but I have agreed to do him with a strap on… not sure really how I feel about that… doing some guy who I don’t know, not attracted too with a strap on….. it will be interesting… lets see how it goes… lets see if I can decompartmentalise it all.. you will be the very first to know…
Monday, 16 November 2009
Bolloxin crap....
Emotional dilemma's, oh joy.... in fact not only emotional.... just dilemma's... im not very good with making decisions, my mind while one moment can be made up and steadfast, can on the other hand make decisions i probably wouldn't, or shouldn't, make.
There are two things that i pride myself on, the first is my loyalty to the partner im with.... now the uber isnt exactly my partner.... but yanno casual for 18 months... well to me that actually isnt actually casual... to me he is my master..... even though he isnt.. im monogamous.... always have been and as far as i can tell i always will be, that is what feels right to me. The uber is someone i trust my life with completely.... as things have progressed it has become more intimate.... not only do we get on really well in terms of how we 'play' but also out of that... i respect him... he is a man who is quiet in his dominance, he doesnt need to try to convince others that he dominant or sadistic.... he just is..... and that is something i really like about him.... hes not someone who gets off on his own hype like so many others..... he offers complete discretion and a mind blowing time.... i can pretty much be assured that when i go to see him he will push me and satisfy the craving deep with me .. a lot of this may well be how i have seen it in my own mind.... i probably have put him on this pedestal and created this person with whom i am so completely dedicated too despite the fact he does not require it of me.
The other thing which i like is that i dont play within the scene, its so incestuous and that to me is not what the dynamics of these relationships are about..... my relationships have to now been very selective, i dont engage with people who play the field... i will not become just another number, a notch on the bedpost, i am worth more than that ....i only entertain those that i can trust emphatically.... my submission is something very special to me... when i give myself its everything heart, body and soul..... why would i forsake that and have a fleeting thing with someone who probably just sees me as a conquest? Basically I shouldnt.... i should remain true to me....
Ive been asked to think about where i see things with the uber and if a casual, very casual one off play casual, would play on my mind.... depending on my mood i could do it easily .... but when i think of the uber i see a man that truly deserves the use of me ... i see a man whom im so very attracted to on so many different levels.... i see a man that excites me beyond belief... i see a man who does offer me some loyalty in as much as the confines of the relationship allows... i see a man i trust with my life literally... thats quiet something you know..
Is my loyalty to him misplaced? Should i be so completely loyal to someone who in real terms doesnt give a toss what it is i get up too? Im not saying he doesnt care about me as a person as i know to some degree he does.... but im free to come and go and do as i wish.... no constraints.... my loyalty is all self imposed.... is he deserving of it..... should i contradict my strong moral beliefs for the sake of a casual fling that im not sure if i will enjoy or not...... what if i dont? Will i be able to just brush it under the carpet and get on with it... im usually pretty good with that..... to be honest but i really dont know... i dont know if i want to and i dont know if the person in question is worth me going against my beliefs for a momentary bit of fun..... im not so convinced right here right now that its a smart thing to do.
There are two things that i pride myself on, the first is my loyalty to the partner im with.... now the uber isnt exactly my partner.... but yanno casual for 18 months... well to me that actually isnt actually casual... to me he is my master..... even though he isnt.. im monogamous.... always have been and as far as i can tell i always will be, that is what feels right to me. The uber is someone i trust my life with completely.... as things have progressed it has become more intimate.... not only do we get on really well in terms of how we 'play' but also out of that... i respect him... he is a man who is quiet in his dominance, he doesnt need to try to convince others that he dominant or sadistic.... he just is..... and that is something i really like about him.... hes not someone who gets off on his own hype like so many others..... he offers complete discretion and a mind blowing time.... i can pretty much be assured that when i go to see him he will push me and satisfy the craving deep with me .. a lot of this may well be how i have seen it in my own mind.... i probably have put him on this pedestal and created this person with whom i am so completely dedicated too despite the fact he does not require it of me.
The other thing which i like is that i dont play within the scene, its so incestuous and that to me is not what the dynamics of these relationships are about..... my relationships have to now been very selective, i dont engage with people who play the field... i will not become just another number, a notch on the bedpost, i am worth more than that ....i only entertain those that i can trust emphatically.... my submission is something very special to me... when i give myself its everything heart, body and soul..... why would i forsake that and have a fleeting thing with someone who probably just sees me as a conquest? Basically I shouldnt.... i should remain true to me....
Ive been asked to think about where i see things with the uber and if a casual, very casual one off play casual, would play on my mind.... depending on my mood i could do it easily .... but when i think of the uber i see a man that truly deserves the use of me ... i see a man whom im so very attracted to on so many different levels.... i see a man that excites me beyond belief... i see a man who does offer me some loyalty in as much as the confines of the relationship allows... i see a man i trust with my life literally... thats quiet something you know..
Is my loyalty to him misplaced? Should i be so completely loyal to someone who in real terms doesnt give a toss what it is i get up too? Im not saying he doesnt care about me as a person as i know to some degree he does.... but im free to come and go and do as i wish.... no constraints.... my loyalty is all self imposed.... is he deserving of it..... should i contradict my strong moral beliefs for the sake of a casual fling that im not sure if i will enjoy or not...... what if i dont? Will i be able to just brush it under the carpet and get on with it... im usually pretty good with that..... to be honest but i really dont know... i dont know if i want to and i dont know if the person in question is worth me going against my beliefs for a momentary bit of fun..... im not so convinced right here right now that its a smart thing to do.
Tuesday, 3 November 2009
Better now..
Well im in a much better mood today, thankfully.. been messing around with S and he sent a text to a certain pro dom as if it was from me about a freebie…. Anyway hes responded so it looks like I may be sessioning with this guy, I aint bloody paying though. Anyway it has cheered me up….. though it has also made me think a little about what about the uber, I have stipulated what can and what cant happen…. Somethings are the ubers yanno….. erotic asphyxiation namely…. That has to be done with him and him only. Well until I meet someone who can take his place….. which aint happening any time soon I can assure you.
I was nearly at the point of emailing uber to ask him if he would take more control… then I felt a warm rush of blood and didn’t send it, he scares me so much its unbelievable…. The consequences of sending that would be bad… if he said yeah then fuck…. I wouldn’t know what to say or do… I would be in heaven. And if he said no I would be completely gutted….. anyway maybe I will ask him the next time I see him… which at this rate will be December some time. L
Im also talking to some guy off a site who messaged me saying im beautiful and intresting but I woyldnt be interested in him blah blah blah.. he is cute.. but I suspect he would be very boring… most men are… the uber isn’t hes a god….. SS seems to be ok too.. and he actually reminds me a little of MrV, but saner… so yanno…. Not sure what he is after though… one off session, possibly more.. regular stuff.. who knows…. Anyway go with the flow and see what happens.
I was nearly at the point of emailing uber to ask him if he would take more control… then I felt a warm rush of blood and didn’t send it, he scares me so much its unbelievable…. The consequences of sending that would be bad… if he said yeah then fuck…. I wouldn’t know what to say or do… I would be in heaven. And if he said no I would be completely gutted….. anyway maybe I will ask him the next time I see him… which at this rate will be December some time. L
Im also talking to some guy off a site who messaged me saying im beautiful and intresting but I woyldnt be interested in him blah blah blah.. he is cute.. but I suspect he would be very boring… most men are… the uber isn’t hes a god….. SS seems to be ok too.. and he actually reminds me a little of MrV, but saner… so yanno…. Not sure what he is after though… one off session, possibly more.. regular stuff.. who knows…. Anyway go with the flow and see what happens.
Monday, 2 November 2009
For Fucking fucks sake...
I was going through the site i usually frequent and came across one of the ubers pictures.... so i looked for his name and there he was, well two pictures of him... the account had always been there but he had never used it, but now his bloody pics were there, no details about him however..... just an empty profile with 2 pics, he had last been online 5 days ago.... it made me feel sick.... jealousy i guess....... im not sure..... but its really fucked up my mood.... i dont want him to use that site, just like i dont want to see him out on the scene.... its really fucking my head up..... its gonna really tear me apart if i see him getting a network and stuff.... i need to not look at his profile.... hopefully i will be able to resist.. i need to get him out of my head to stop him tearing me up like this.., i think the fact that the sessions were more intimate the last couple of times have not done me any good... before i could not go and see him for a few months and i didnt give a toss...... now its like im becoming this jealous, possessive, psycho bitch......... i want him.... i want him to want me...... it fucking rips me apart... emotional masochism.... i need to look in to it.. why do i screw myself over so incessantly? Hes got nothing to do with it.. he may know how i feel to a degree, i would be bloody amazed if he didnt... but its all me screwing myself up with my own thoughts and feelings....... ive had two people recently tell me i look amazing recently, one of whom was the uber as it happens.......... and another told me last night that he thinks im "beautiful and interesting"..... oh really....... if thats the fucking case then why can i not have the only one thing in the world that i long for so much that it hurts me so bad?
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