Whos sanity is it anyway?

Well?

Sometimes as I do things, or have things done to me, sometimes I just think this is soddin insane… I guess in reality its probably better to not actually sit there and try to think about it…. Its strange… people are strange, why is it that some of us are pushed into doing these acts which are humiliating, degrading and on the verge of being abusive?

The majority of people I know are sane (to the outside world), professional people…. They have the same life difficulties with relationships as your average joe but they choose to have one foot in this dark world that I frequent.

For some they have a session and that tides them over until the next time…. I wonder if its on their mind all the time like it is mine… I wonder if it consumes them as it does me….. I hope I don’t become to them what the uber is to me…. Not sure I would like that effect on people… but it is so intoxicating…. Completely.

Last night was ok…. I did what it was I had to do, I enjoyed it, well enjoy may have been a bit strong, it didn’t repulse me is more appropriate… think maybe my nails need clipping before I probe people, but other than that it went well… the hour flew by, I wasn’t repulsed by him despite the fact he isn’t someone that I would find attractive, plus he had stockings and high heels and suspender belt on, I detest that.. men should be men! …. But I managed… fuelled on by my friend and the need to accomplish what I had given my word to do….. its emotionless and cold…. An act that has no real meaning for me….. it is possible to disengage your emotions from intimate physical acts…. Maybe that is how the uber is with me… maybe im just something he does because he has too.. its quite interesting really and I think the next time I see him I may try to pick his brains about the distancing and how it is for him… it’s a bit unfair really as I have this expectation in my head that he likes me….and I guess im going to find out the hard truth…. That’s possible good, or potentially bad…. Mind you the uber kisses me…. And tells me it was “fucking hot”, and that I look “fucking amazing” and he calls me pretty and sexy… not really words you say to someone that you are not physically attracted to I don’t think…. Even if you’re a bloke!