its a strange place...

Im slowly coming to terms with what happened to me on tuesday. Im not sure really why it has had the dramatic effect that it has.... but its left me really racking my brains for answers. Why do i let him do these things to me, where will this all end? Does he like me... though what has got to do with anything i really don't know. I suppose in a way i want the person who i am experiencing these profound things with to have the same mutual respect for me as i have for him... or am i just seen by him as being a random who he sees and fucks for cash. Though admittedly the amount i pay is nominal and i pay it in order to "keep it in its box", what ever the fuck that is supposed to mean.... i let this man invade the inner most sanctum of my mind and body and i have to keep it in its box... must be a male thing i guess. They are better At disengaging sexually and emotionally than women... to them its an act which requires no emotional connection i guess.

I think its kinda weighing heavy on me... surely i should be doing these kind of things with someone whom i do have a deeper connection with, someone that i am in a relationship with? But in saying that i have been seeing this guy for 7 months... and that is 3 months longer than any other D/s encounter than i have ever experienced. They do say you need to disengage vanilla emotions from the D/s one's, if i was able to do this i think i would cope better; its not that im not coping... its that im thinking way too much, typical woman behaviour i guess.... there is a massive part of me that wants him to want me as much as i want him.... and that isnt appropriate for many reasons. I want to have this man take me by the hand and to have me follow him where ever it is that he would like to take me..... but it isnt ever going to happen... and i need to fully get my head around that, i want to please him.... but there is no reason really why i should... i owe him nothing and he gives me nothing in return for my sacrifice, well other than damn good sessions.... and great sex ;o)

Maybe this is sub drop.... maybe the realisation that im getting into this s&m malarky more than i would have liked... maybe i need to be loved back.... rather tham this cold interation that im getting... maybe i just need to go out and get pissed and forget it all for now.. that sounds like a plan to me...

He takes my breath away..

Literally... there comes a point while ‘submitting’ when i like to stand my ground, yes i am stubborn, well i am a taurean, we’re well known for it apparently. Sometimes i like to be forced to surrender, its kinda like a game to me to see who can go furthest. Will it be me, or will it be him that gives up first? Generally speaking its usually the geezer who gives up.... not much fun when you need someone who will push you and take you beyond that what you have already experienced. How can you submit to a man who won’t go as far as you? You cant....... well i cant.
I have been fortunate to have found that one.... i kinda knew i had met my match the time he tried to hang me, my reluctance to beg to be released resulted in him winching me ever higher. He wasn’t going to give in so I relented in the end, begging to be brought down in amongst the gasping....fucking hardest thing i have ever done, so humbling... it was quite an amazing experience actually begging for your life on the verge of tears, the realisation that for once someone will go way beyond what you will.
Tonight i felt quite defiant.....even more stubborn than usual... tonight i wasn’t going to give up without a fight; i’ll show you i thought. I was bound in a rather strange position, my arms out wrists and forearms secured to a pole with leather straps, my legs secured to the floor wide open. The ligature was then slipped over my head.... i felt him close to me as i felt the ligature tighten, “you’re not coming out of this until you beg to be taken to the bench” we’ll see i thought, i hate begging.... to me it seems pathetic, yanno when you see all those snivelling creeps begging ... i will not stoop to that level... he tightens more and i have the most strange sensation in my head.... its really odd, you go dizzy and you feel yourself wobbling.... “No” i gasp..... “you know what you have to do” he informs me.... “ i don’t, i don’t” i respond in my best damsel in distress voice ... well anything has got to be better than begging right? So he kindly reminds me. He tightens the ligature more, my head feels woozy again, it’s such a strange feeling i really cannot describe it... a sensation of losing control yet all in the head, you don’t even feel the restriction around your throat, nor are you aware of the gasping as you fight for your breath, the only thing you’re aware of is this sensation that is happening in your head.... i don’t recall how long this went on for.... i just recall him slacking off the ligature as he was supporting my body from behind. I thought i had won.... i thought i had finally gone further than he would.... but alas no it would seem he had won after all.... he had made me pass out and it was his full intention to do so....

It would seem funny though, breath play isnt my thing, and it isnt his thing yet we seem to be exploring this together rather alot.... im just a little worried where these dangerous games will leave us... i will never find another who can do to me what this man does... and how far will he go?

Im lost now... lost in the world of the uber and i have every intention of staying there while he will allow me.....

Yipee its monday

Yup im happy its monday.... why? Coz im seeing my bastard tomorrow... and i cant bloody wait. I have seriously been thinking about this man non-stop. I have spoken to two people about him of late and they are both convinced im in love, im not of course... how can you fall in love with someone who doesnt love you and is completely unavailable... its not love... its raw lust and desire and as far as im concerned thats so much better than love. And the best bit of all i have now been seeing this man for 7 months, despite having a big gap when i tried to cleanse myself of him... and i still feel as strongly about him as i did when i initially started seeing him.. he sets all my senses alight... though i am scared about tomorrow, i havent seen him for 3 months and i havebnt really done anything in that time... he is a hard player... im gonna get battered :o(

Weekend was good... went to club rub, a fet wear club and boogied the night away... and other stuff, was a good night.

I have the use of a boy... djin... and he is completely dedicated to me in every sense of the word. Where im concerned he will do anything and i mean anything what so ever. Its nice to have this level of control over someone... and its really warming to have that level of devotion from someone... i want to be able to achieve a similar level of devotion to a person, to love them unconditionally... djin knows i will never be anything more to him other than his Mistress... he doesnt mind this, in fact i think it adds to it for him, it makes me unattainable and it gives him a buzz... this is what service is about and so few understand it.. quite sad really.

Thank God its friday....

Been bit busy today but i woke in an excellent mood. Could be something to do with the meet i had last night with the American, god did i give him what for.. i reminded hm about friendly fire, invading countries and when he mentioned he was worried the US would be remembered for McD's rather than introducing world democracy i just laughed at him and called him delusional.... it was all light hearten mind, i was tipsy... i dont like Americans but he was ok... he thinks im mad and wants to see me again, so whos the mad one?

The uber emailed this morning at stupid o clock..... but yeah im seeing him on 27th... looking forward to that i havent seen him in ages.... saying no more on that front for now....

All is well in the world of Tempy today and shes off out on Sat so really looking forward to that..

Did i mention that another pro dom text me the other day and said he had a vacancy for a masochist and he would like that to be me... i aint even a friggin masochist... i havent responded yet... there is something appealing about having been to see most the pro doms in the south of england... well the cute ones at any rate.... but im happy with the uber when hes doing as he's supposed to ... i wouldnt want to submit to anyone else....

The corset is tight, im eating well... and im still waiting for the bloody ballet boots.....

Im thinking of getting rid of my long nails.... two of them have lifted from the bottom and they really fecking hurt... maybe its time to shorten them.... i dunno....

Indifferent..

Todays actually a good day, last night i got home and my young un had a letter from school informing me that an educational psychologist had tried to assess her yesterday, but couldnt as i hadnt given written authorisation... and assuming i did that she will be assessed on Friday. This is excellent news considering at the end of last year i was told there was no point referring her to one as there is a big waiting list and it will take over a year .... so i wrote to the director of my local education authority requesting a formal assessment, which they declined but made a recommendation that she is seen by a Ed Psy asap... and bingo now she is... so im happy about that, we will know whats going on for sure soon. Talking to my daughter i said we will find out "what is wrong", well its not wrong is it.. so i said i dont mean wrong but to find out why you have difficult reading and writing..... and she responded... "thats simple, it'd because my brain works sideways!" which is how i described it to her when we started pushing for further assessment... god she fills me up with so much love.....

The uber still hasnt been in touch.. well it has only been 2 days and this is nothing out of the normal.... but it did make me think a little last night and this is why i dont like the current situation. As it stands i dont know even if he wants to see me or not, so im questioning myself, am i that bad.. fat/ugly insert appropriate negative thought.... that he doesnt want to see me.... if he wanted to then surely he would be in touch sooner right? But what amazes me is how i turn it around and it becomes my problem.. the problem is with me, not the fact that he's a cunt and tends not to respond very quickly, for him this is normal... we've discussed it, he has said to me i need to chase him up as he's rubbish.. i hate chasing guys up, i dont wanna see someone if they dont wanna see me, it makes me feel desperate it really does and i dont like that feeling one bit. Anyway regardless of him and whats happening.. i need to work on that..... not to take things personal, its not a fault on my side. its their problem... NOT mine..

I met a switch on sunday and he seems to be interested... im meeting an american tonight, talking to a 26 year old, what for god only bloody knows, im talking to loads of people and no one intrests me... not greatly at any rate.... i dont have the inclination really to do anything much with any of them... i need to get the uber completely out of my system but while he is there im finding it difficult to move on to find someone more suited to me... the switch is nice however, but i think if it went on to anything it would be more nilla than anything.. maybe this is what i need, to turn this world back into fun rather than being so bloody serious with it all the soddin time... right now that is sounding like a good call.... but still there is something in me that wants the one who doesnt want me.... there is something about that, the knowing he doesnt give a toss if i come or go.... emotional masochism isnt constructive... it makes me doubt myself, and with a dodgy self esteem that is probably not a good thing. I give him way to much credit and think that he does this purposefully to wind me up, it bloody works... but truth be known i dont think he does... i do really think its more just because he is an uber cunt rather than the uber dom i like to think he is!!

What a difference a day makes....

A colleague here took my blood pressure yesterday and it was 135/100, which was crap.... suddenly not only am i becoming really old, im at high risk of a stroke... could it get any worse?

Anyway this morning i didnt do my corset tight, and it was taken as soon as i got in the office... and it was 120/85 which is within normal limits despite the diastolic being slightly raised, though 85 is normal for me... and that has cheered me up no end.

I hate feeling down, well not down but flat in mood. I understand how people must feel when they are depressed and its not a nice place to be, i do get down every once in a while but fortunately it doesnt last long. Anyway i have a concoction of herbal meds which i will be taking to keep me boosted for the forthcoming months... vitamins and minerals aimed at the laydeees, Ymea which aimed at peri menopausal women and is basically soya, apparently is can reduce the symptoms... and one of the symptoms is fat storage on the gut.. so yanno if it helps. Im also gonna take St Johns wart.... just in case, should you take it as a just in case thing? Prevention is better than cure right... maybe i should look into that before i start pill popping....

The uber hasnt responded to my email as of yet.... and yanno what im not that fussed, either he will or he wont, does it really matter? No.... in some ways i hope he doesnt, and if he doesnt i will chase him up once as i know i have to, he told me i need to.... but after that i wont bother... maybe this is what i need to move on from him? To stop comparing everyone to him and thinking he is so perfect when quite clearly he isnt.... but when i feel like this for him i dont even give others a chance yanno, and i could be missing out on something holding on for a man who doesnt actually deserve my loyalty, in fact if im truthful he doesnt even expect it...

Feeling pretty damn good right now and still waiting for my fecking ballet boots!!

Im fucked off.....

Well according to the GP im at early stages of peri menopausal... so i asked for the pill and she said some crap about something and then said "well im not prescribing it for contraception as you cant get pregnant now anyway, not with those hormone levels"...... oh really now? My test results werent that bloody high plus i was mid cycle which means one would expect them to be high, everything i have read on the net told me do not diagnose peri menopause by one blood test and certainly not one taken mid cycle and to also use contraception up until one year after your last period. But not my GP. oooooooh nooooooo despite the fact im still having monthly periods i cant get pregnant, i should go out and purposefully try just to prove her wrong, then sue her!! Then she took my blood pressure and it was sky friggin' high.. 148/104 whooops... mind you she did just tell me some shit which i know was wrong what do you expect?

Anyway the long and the short of it is im on a bloody downer, im getting old and the loss of my menstrual cycle is evidence of that and it also means im loosing me femininity.. i feel fat and i feel old, i feel unattractive and i feel sad... its not nice feeling like this at all......... i dont like it, im in the mood for nothing what so ever.... everyone can fuck right off as im really not interested in speaking to anyone right now.

Though in saying that i have emailed the uber today asking if i can see him, i feel indifferent towards it though i have drawn a conclusion that if i have difficulties getting to see him then i will knock him on the head and call it all completely off and move on. Maybe doing this while im in my current frame of mind is a good thing.

Cor blimey..

is it only me that finds the days are going so quick?

This week has been a rather interesting one, i have not been to the gym since monday as i quite simply have just been too busy to do so. Was going to go today but couldnt be arsed, im off out tonight anyway and im on quite heavily so yanno all in all.... i'll let myself off, i have been eating well though but finding the temptation to snack at night time too much!! I need something to suppress my appetite!!

Im off to the doctor tonight ot discuss my blood test results, im really starting to believe that maybe i am peri menopausal and im not happy about it. But i seem to have been flushing and im not sure if its that or just because im bloody warm.... im becoming neurotic completely looking for signs of something or the other. Im just sad that essentially im in the prime of my life and my body is trying to cut it dead. Though my sister assures me that some women get worse when they are heading for the memopause... here's hoping :o) I also told my sister about the corset and apparently she thinks it could well be that and that i have to watch the rest of my internal organs blah blah blah.... yes i know.

On the male front.... conkord has been back in touch couple of times now, last week he messaged saying "hello my cunt......" i just responded by saying "your cunt?......PMSL" and that was the end of that, which was cool by me... anyway this week he messaged me instructing me to ring him, so what the hell i did..... i do like his voice ;o)
Apparently i push his buttons and he cant always finds himself wanting to come back to me...... yeah well join the queue..... does he not know who i am... anyway i gave him cheek, as i do..... and we've kinda agreed that we will see each other again, he wanted to see me tonight but i no can do as im already out... im not letting him stroll into my life when it suits him, yes very submissive i know... but its not like im his. So in a fortnight.... lets see if it happens... in the mean time im keeping busy!

Talking to a couple of other guys...... one from brighton is really ticking boxes for me..... even though he is a bisexual switch, greedy fecker.... supposed to be meeting someone on sunday, another switch.... all these bloody switches, they get everywhere...

I havent messaged the pro...... i had a moment this week where i actually nearly cried.... i was thinking about him and how crap at communication he is and that if he blah....... i need to keep him in his box, but the problem for me is that i need to develop a mental connection/attachment with whom i submit/play with... and i have done that to him, created this sense of ownership when in reality there just isnt one.... why should i do this to someone who really just dont give a fuck about you. I know when im there he implies he is and wants me to go back, but im a girl and we read to much into things. People have advised me to speak to him about it, but i cant..... him rejecting me would be too much, so instead i prefer to wind myself up. What i need to do is distance myself.... yet i need what he does to me....

The begining...... hopefully not of the end...

Had a very lazy weekend, far too lazy for my own good.. I did eat an amazing amount of food… and crap food at that. Friday went out got sloshed… so not really very good all in all. However, my daughter put me on web cam… and oh dear when you catch sight of yourself, yuk… so today was day one of the lose about 15 stone plan and try to become more nimble for the boot things. And talking of the boots, it would seem they are out of stock and I would have to wait until about march…. So they have now been ordered from else where! Lets see how long they take…. My plan of being in them by june appears to be going to pot… but ill focus on my weight and general health with will better prepare me for when I do get them eventually..

Today I have eaten a measured amount of porridge for breakfast, then I drank a caffeine stimulant drink.. need to get metabolised…. For lunch a tin of tesco healthy options soup…. All in all about 450 calories. Plus I did the gym.. jesus Christ.. I haven’t been in ages and im so unhealthy its terrible…. So a gradual start I think… but did about 40 mins of cardio vascular…. Which all in all equals the calories that I have consumed, or there abouts. My problem is snacking when I get home…. But as the kiddies were at home all weekend all possible snacks have been done…. So its just for me to cook a healthy meal for dinner…. Shouldn’t be a problem, the problem is snacking… which I don’t wanna do… I think im gonna pull out my exercise dvd too and get me and the kids to do it, will be fun for us all to do I think….

Corset is on but loose at the moment… it was off when I went to the gym and I have just eaten… plus im still premenstrual… was kinda due on on Friday but nothing yet, but have been getting tell tale twinges now, oh and im really fecking moody… so it’s coming, but when? GP appointment scheduled for Friday…. Hopefully I wont need to go for more bloods and hopefully they will just stck me on the pill.. makes sense I think… and then I can keep my eyes on my symptoms.. something I did notice today though after I had eaten my soup for lunch I did have a kinda hot flush… I wonder if that was a proper hot flush….. mind you it is rather warm generally today would consuming something warm make you feel a rush of warmth? Dunno it was very short lived and I do get that every once in a while, after I have had summot hot…. Phah im getting neurotic… I mean neuroticer…

Oh.. Oh... Oh...

right well today i am feeling more than motivate.... it's amazing what a little struggle to put the corset on can do to ones attitude. Today im bloated, so ive looked in the mirror and thought fuck that... so sensible eating here i come.... mind you i am off out on the piss tonight, but one or two glasses of vino wont hurt, and it wont be more than that as im driving.

Had some family shit kick off.... my niece losing the pregnancy... loosing the pregnancy what a stupid thing to say, where did she leave it? If only it was as simple as leaving it somewhere and then going back to pick it up... it kinda misses the point that someone has painfully had to expel the baby out of their body.. the baby that they so hoped would live, the one they loved already despite the fact it looks like a tadpole... yeah im not so sure losing the pregnancy is the right thing to say.

Anyway... now my Dad is playing up.... he dumped his bird coz she called him another mans name.. which is fair enough i can understand that, i would flip a lid too... he suspects shes being unfaithful so dumped her. Im talking about a almost 70 year old man here... is it not a tad worrying that this shit continues right up to that age.. *sighs* i think im going to be single for the rest of my life it's so much easier in the long run... plus it looks like that anyway. My sister and i was talking about this last night... apparently my daughter and i look alike, apparently quiet attractive.. both of us are boyfriendless.... so whys that do you think my sister askes... maybe its the dont come near me or ill kick you in the nutz vibe that we give out? i responded innocently.... coz yer know its true.. i think im going to make a much more conscious effort of being approachable to men, lets see where that gets me, as for my daughter she can stay that way.. i dont want men near her....

I have today made an appointment to see my GP to discuss my blood test results, i think im going to ask to go on the pill.... at my age going on the pill... its almost as bad as my dad dumping his girlfriend at his age... i think we're a lost cause myself.... but oh what fun....

I have...

3 pairs of boobs.... one pair oozing over the top of my corset under my bra, then the pair that are in the bra and then i have the pair that are oozing over my bra... i need to get a decent bra that fits me correctly, how the hell do i go and get measured with a corset on. Originally when i started this i was a 38c, then dropped to what i more frequently am, a 36dd, then went to a 34dd, then to a 34e... now god knows what i am as once again the bra is slipping over my corset....... arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh it looks and much more importantly feels dreadful!!

Good mood

I shouldnt be, but i am. Attended a meeting this morning with my daughter who was being threatened with exclusion from school due to being given 3 warnings... sounds bad doesnt it. Well..... 2 warning for wearing black jeans.. and the third for being disrespectful and laughing, the third was bad.... but the other two, well honestly you get these guys in schools these days doing all sorts and she gets threatened for that.... the whole system has gone mad. Anyway its not happening now, shes going to be suspended for one day for being disrespectful.... shes going on a school trip in Jan... and the teach implied that if she was excluded i would lose my money... oh yeah... he obviously doesnt know about me and money, "no i wont" i informed him... then he waffled on something about maybe getting it back off insurance... "i would get it back off the school" i informed him... "i wont lose money, at all". He neatly backtracked saying even if she was excluded she could have still gone... i would love for them to try and rip me off £300... that aint happening no matter what crap he spouts off.

My niece, who was 14 weeks pregnant, has lost her pregnancy, this is the fourth. I too have lost several pregnancies.... its a fucker and it really knocks you off your feet emotionally, i hope she will be strong enough, im sure she will. We're a hardy bunch.... but her losses bring back the pain of my own.... i dont like seeing my own blood suffer... life can be so cruel at times.

The corset is on tight today and i have managed to comfortably stuff my face with loads of shit.... due on tomorrow but no sign of it... so here we go again.. im gonna be pre menstrual for about 4 weeks then come on.. its a fucker, it fucks up my sex life and makes me grumpy.... when i go to the GP about my blood test results i think im going to get put on the pill, at least then i will be regular.... so then i can plan.... im waiting for day 1 of my cycle before i contact the uber asking him to see me to put me out of my misery... i havent seen him in 3 whole very long months.... actually maybe i shouldnt see him, maybe i should walk away now and find some other poor unfortunate fool to take me on. The problem with that being no one does what he does.... there must be others out there but i get so frustrated taking time in chatting to find out they're idiots to be back at square one... then i just wish i had stuck with the uber in the first place.... anyway im going to go and see him and see if i do still like him or not!!

And my ballet boots are still not here.... how long does it fucking take?!?!?!?!

Cor blimey i feel stuffed....

This morning i did the corset up as tight as i could, and no bloatedness sticking out so it was all going well. I was expecting a big bloated belly as i had spent most the night munching snacks.... see my whole waist training after the new year thing is really going to pot. Anyway do you realise how nice nutella spread is on a muti seed batch is? Well take it from me it's really rather moorish.... so anyway no bloat, thankfully. Chocolate does make me bloat terribly i think im allergic, and why is it exactlly that we crave sweet things at this time? Normally i dont have a sweet tooth... but pre menstrually i always do, and food.. just give me food i want and need to eat anything and everything.... boredom i expect... i dunno.

Anyway's i purchased a really spicey curry for lunch, a ceylon (Sri Lanka) one, hottest curries yer can get and my god was it hot... so ive had to undo the corset, and then i squeezed in a mince pie and now i feel sick... :o( i seriously have no self control at this very moment in time... i disapoint myself terribly!!

Ive been getting approached recently by a couple of dominant men who are into ball busting, what is all that about? Anyway im not intrested in that kinda thing with a dominant man... despite the fact that on many occasion i wish i could boot one in the balls its not something that i would consider for pleasure... it's wrong... and im not doing it so feck off and find someone else to do it to you... why they come to me anyway? Just because i have a little hint of sadism about me... they have to put that into context of the whole person that i am... i dont play with any old tom, dick or harry... why do they assume that i do and would want to do it with them... anyway im standing firm, im not intrested. Ive changed my profiles to not looking, well not not looking but that im not really intrested...... i need a time out to focus on the task i have set myself and i dont really need any distractions, well not those sort of distractions at any rate.

I wish i had an analytical brain.... some people simply amaze me how thier brains work... so methodical, and im so not.... why are people so different? I see they are trying to establish a link between autism/aspergers and mathematical genius.... and also the gender link. I find it slightly curious that a couple of the women i work with who are very analytical in their approach are a bit geezerish... yanno butch.... Acccording to the alleged reasearch austism/aspergers can be identified by the high level of tesoterone in the amniotic sac... do yer recon the just make these things up as they go along? Though it is true men are more likely to suffer autism/aspergers.. and they are also more inclined to be mathematical minded...

So where do i fit into all this? I wanna know why my brain doesnt quite work like other peoples. Why have problems with words, and maths aim even worse but we wont go there... im good with money though.... ;o) Lact of concentrqtion, cant focus unless it really intrests me... and never finish things and procrastination.... im at high risk of ADD, attention deficite disorder.... i dunno though.. maybe.... i wonder if we all have a little something wrong with us, but then who is to say its wrong>?>

I did just try to spell check this and apparently there are no mistakes... which is impossible so if there are loads of spelling mistakes it aint my bloody fault!!!? grrrrrr i can see loads of spelling mistakes and it isnt picking them up...

Hmmmmmmm thoughts

I have been thinking when really i should be working, should someone accept second best in this world of ours? I'm afraid i have become a bit elitist now, i know i have. In some sense this worries me, so what is really wrong in accepting someone that doesnt really tick all your boxes, are you ever really likely to meet someone that will become the be all and end all? Personally i cant really see it if im honest, and further i think that if you hold out for such you are denying yourself things which may not necessarily be as good as you would like, but would be good none the less.

Maybe one of the negative traits of individuals in this world is perfectionism? The majority of people i know are holding out for their perceived idea of what is perfect, the one who ticks all the boxes and nothing less will do. I can understand this, as i seek the same thing, but are we cutting off our noses to spite our face? Are we ever really likely to find that perfect match? I doubt it... we seek others on the premise of bdsm interests, if they match we then engage in communication. To have an expectation that they and vanilla interests will match up would be impossible, i find its usually one or the other. Hence i think my inclination to look for only D/s and to keep the vanilla separate....

I dont really know what 2009 will bring me in terms of D/s, i am looking for that all elusive D/s relationship, but im not willing to bend on my list of wants/needs. Yet saying that all i really want is a truly dominant man, a gentleman sadist and in reality such things are hard to come by. And here in lies my elitism, i will not even look at anything other than that. I think i have the right to be selective, after all what i give is my all, isnt that worthy of only the best? I think so... even if my perceived idea of what constitutes being the best is grossly distorted.

Today i have my corset on quiet tight, i have really been slacking over the christmas time, and now i am pre-menstrual so it's kinda making me feel sluggish and demotivated. But i have to get back into it, or else i will fall into a pattern of idleness. It would be so much better if i had someone holding the reins and motivating me, i dont mind doing this for myself ultimately, but it would be so much better if i was doing it under instruction.

I have posted in the past about my monthly cycle being a bit erratic of late, well i have recently been tested for thyroid problems, family history, and as the GP kindly informed me at my age i could be peri menopausal, bloody cheek i am only 21 after all. Suddenly the realisation that i am not quite as young as i would like to think i am has hit home.

Anyway....... thyroid has come back spot on, hormone levels were raised but were appropriate for someone who was mid-cycle, as i was at the time... apparently for hormones the time to test is day 3 in your cycle... so why didnt the GP advise me of this? So no doubt i will have to go for a repeat, bastards.. what a waste of time.... two other possibilities which im currently faced with, POCS... if i am i will go mad, i have had several pregnancy losses, one of which was an ectopic and if all it took was a simple blood test to establish i had this and they didnt bother im not going to be happy! Also the possibility that the waist training has caused my body to go into menopausal shock.... i dont think i am peri menopausal naturally as my cycles are not getting shorter which they would, and im not getting any other typical symptoms..... the POCS is highly likely grrrrr as is the menopausal shock? Possibly.... we shall see....

*groans.......... Mondays

Well i have been a tad busy over the weekend so thats why there has been no update. I still do not have the ballet boots and if im honest i havent done anything in regards to heel training. I NEED my boots!!

Sat was fun went to Subversion and took the boy with me, which was nice as we havent actually spent any time together in a long time and i think the relationship was beginning to feel the strain of that. I find it difficult topping when really all i want to do is submit, but then saying that when im in a D/s relationship as a submissive all i want to do is dominate, well not dominate but hurt people.

Anyway i was on form and we played quiet a bit and he didnt even bitch about it which makes a change.

Been talking to a female slave in canada, she's into body modification in a big way, though where as to me its about the aesthetics to her its a sign of her submission. Well it is to me also, but for her even more so, she blows me away with her commitment to ballet boots and waist training. Waist training we are on a par... but when it comes to the ballet boots she has gone past what ever i could ever see myself doing. She is wearing them all the time, 24/7, she wears them to work and she sleeps in a pair that have had the heels cut off.

It amazes me that someone would do this to themselves, she has been wearing for 2 years, she is 28. Her ligaments are now stretched to such an extent that she has to wear heels, and if she wears anything under 4" eventually it begins to hurt her. She has recently started wearing then to work and we are discussing this.

I also speak to her Master who is an american, but other than that he's cool. Its not D/s, its M/s and i can really relate to what they say... i think its ultimately where i see myself. Maybe when i learn to keep my mouth shut more..... but that level of control really blows my mind.... TPE. I think i need that, when i speak to others who offer less its like its not enough for me, maybe im just generally confused.... who fecking knows what it is that i seek and need, i sure as hell dont!!

Welcome...

Well ive moved this from IC, but for some reason it doesnt have the same feeling writing here, i know this is a public forum, but i know that people on IC read what i write so its kinda like im writing it for people to read, here im not.... so its different, i can write as i wish and no one will read it.

Im supposed to be starting heel training, but i have not received my ballet boots so its a bit difficult, though in saying that i did do some foot stretches at work today, i sat at my desk, shoes off and tucked my feet under as far as they would go, i could really feel the stretch on my calves and my feet were no where near the angle they will be when they are booted. I suspect this is going to be a lot harder than i think.

I have been talking to a domly one and he asked me to describe a scene that was a bit edgy, well he wanted to know how far i would go, so i recall the hanging one with the uber. He's only started telling me off about how dangerous it is and an intelligent girl like me shouldn't be doing stuff like that. Also calling him dangerous and he isnt a sadist he's nutter..... needless to say i got defensive, how dare he talk about the uber like that, he doesnt know him... and as i informed him i trust the uber with my life literally... that is what this is about. Its made me miss the uber, i wont have him being attacked by someone........ ever.