The downward spiral

Im not feeling so loved up now.... had a few things happen which have probably contributed towards this..... last night B, who i like decided to text me to tell me hes been in contact with his ex.... why do they feel a need to tell you such things i wonder, i told him i thought he was very insensitive.... maybe on reflection i shouldnt have... coz at the end of the day does it really matter.... i just feel like an emotional dumping ground for people and that kinda pisses me off.

Then i went out for dinner with bill and min..... hes lost weight... and hes looking pretty good..... i still feel attracted to him which isnt good..... through out the night he carried on his usual behaviour though with drinking and stuff... so i doubt hes changed at all...... he just looks rather nice i guess... oh well....... i dont think i can be arsed with all the crap really... blokes are strange..... they confuse me and i think im just better off shutting them all out......as they drain me emotionally. Fuck em all i say.. Bill has just text saying he enjoyed the evening and that he thought I looked fantastic…. So two guys I fancy this week telling me I look fantastic…. Yet I don’t really feel it.

Last night I experienced needles…. It’s the second time, the first time was rubbish apparently you are suppose to feel this amazing high… so I had to give it another go. Min did it… a night with two of the most sadistic people I know… seriously one needs to learn not to get yer boobs out in front of such people!! Anyway I did, all in the name of research naturally…. She is so good, seriously…. But good god she hurt me… and gave this very contented hmmmmmmmmm as I responded to her wickness…. I think that’s something that worries me most about sadists,,.. they do so love watching you suffer for them…. What was also incredibly hot was being watched while she tormented me….. being watched by someone I actually really rather fancied it was hot for loads of reasons… god I do think im getting worse.. Anyway as a consequence of her actions my nipples are really killing today… any little movement close to them hurts, I seriously cant take nipple pain.. though apparently I did well….. so sore nipples and a sore stripy ass…. The pain from the cane is muscular rather than surface… it feels really deep…. Which is divine.

"You are bisexual" she keeps telling me, errrrr i really dont think so, yes i get off to female on female porn.. but i just dont find women sexually attractive. I cant imagine that i would ever do anything with another woman, well unless it was forced, i would do it then just not sure how i would feel about it. The idea certainly doesnt repulse me, but then it doesnt really get me excited either... i like men...... and being fucked properly, you know a fist full of hair and rough, which brings me to the fantasy i have of erotic asphixiation while the uber fucks me across the floor like only he can do. *sighs*