bloody men....

Well im trying to clear the dead wood out of my life and focus in more positive things in my life, basically that means im trying not to think about men too much... easier said than done... i decided to just see the uber... and fuck the rest of them.

Well that was yesterday, i decided to ring the uber to arrange to see him and it was proberbly the most awful phone call of my life, i normally email him. The conversation went along the lines of...
him: hello
me: hello
him: hello... the phone sounded like it was breaking up...
me: hello...
the phone disconnected....

so i tried again...

him: HELLO
me: hello
Him: hello what do you want.. really rudely..
Me: i want to see you... and then the phone went down... i have no idea if he knew it was me, i withold my number, i have no idea if he could even hear me as it kinda sounded like maybe he couldnt.. at any rate, his telephone manner is simply shocking... and if that had been the first ever communication i wouldnt go near him with a barge pole.. he was stern and bloody rude...

i then emailed him... and see if he responds, if he doesnt then im not going to pester him... i was shocked a little by the call... and its kinda put me off him, it wa a different him to the one i usually see... maybe its the real him?

I spelt in the ballet boots last night, well for 3.5 hours then i took them off.. i didnt try to walk in them as of yet... i may try tonight if i get the padding in the toes sorted out!!

A very respected woman on the scene is trying to match make me with a person..... he seems ok but i really cant be fucking arsed... im either going lezza or becoming a nun!! And why do men vanish and come back.... i get this loads.... they always come back after a while... twats... can you tell im not in a happy mood? Anyway.. i have pancakes to be making... i love pancakes... hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Boots, boots.... BOOTS

Well finally the boots arrive, stunningly beautiful. Knee length leather ballet boots... ive been waiting ages for these babies and here they are.... when you first put them on they are a little difficult to do up... possibly due to being corseted and that restricting how much i can bend... got them both on and tried to stand... my god seriously they hurt all the muscles in my legs and my toes... well they put all the pressure/weight of me onto the very tip of my big toe.

Since having them i have tried to find suitable padding for the toes and i have been wearing them at least two hours a day. Yesterday was not a bad day as i was able to walk around clinging to furniture for about 5 mins, not standing up i hasten to add!

Today though was a very different story boots on with padding in one toe... and socks this time, but as soon as i tried to stand i got cramp, im tired from a heavy weekend so one can only assume that is the reason why... oh well. Took the boots off after two hours and my kegs are still aching slightly.

I have to say this really isnt going to be as easy as i thought...

Isnt it friday yet?

Well rather typically he was short and larger than one would hope, not only in terms of weight but he used to do this body building stuff and you can tell, and that kinda thing really doesn’t float my boat…. He was ok looking though, but the pout thing he does in his pics he does in real life..lol He got me pished.. 2 glasses of wine.. and did I ever shut up? Nope not at all, and did I happen to drop in the uber? Yup of course I did… anyway he has been in contact and I have been responding… do looks really matter? Today I have left my phone at home by accident so god knows who’s been in touch……… he’s a nice guy… but ….

One thing that has happened as a consequence, and something that I usually do, is that when I see other potential Masters it just makes me think of the uber, nothing comes close to him in terms of looks, body and what he can do to me. I don’t think there is anything about that man that is wrong…. He is just perfect! Well other than the fact he isn’t mine, or should I really say he isn’t interested in making me his….. People have said I need to tell him how I feel… but I cant, im so scared of rejection by him, not only that but if he isn’t interested then it will mean that I wont be able to see him again, and I cant allow that to happen. Nothing comes close to him and without that I would be so lost… maybe I would, maybe I wouldn’t…. maybe its just while I cling on to the thinking that he is so perfect it doesn’t allow me to open myself up to others?

History wise when I first started seeing the uber I told him what it was I was looking for, that was someone that I can see regularly with no other commitments, I wasn’t looking for a relationship I informed him, I just want regular casual. And here I am some 7 months later completely in awe of this man who has quite simply rocked my world and turned it upside down. How can I now say well actually I was wrong and I think I care more for you than you know I would be open to a relationship if you would like…. Then I would become that typical woman who does this, and that I cant do…. Plus he could well tell me to sod off….. why would he want a commitment with someone he gets all the best bits from already….. though the last time he saw me he did happen to mention that it had been the best orgasm that he had so far this year, and yes I know its very early on in the year… but that’s still good right… it means he enjoys what we do….. and surely that’s half way there? Or maybe im over thinking…. lol

Im in the mood for seeing him but I am being so busy with work Im unable….. and its going to be like this for the next couple of weeks. I need to focus on something else, I would normally say something or someone but to be honest thinking of someone else will be futile… the only other that could distract me is conkord and he’s actually ignoring me… I was supposed to ring him on Thursday night and I didn’t….. but I text him yesterday, only 5 days late, though it was quite rude something along the lines of are we gonna meet or what? And needless to say he so far hasn’t responded, guess I cant really complain about that.

My ballet boots are being delivered today… about time too!! So I have suddenly adapted this mindset of eating well… how strange I have been eating shit of late which hasn’t been helping with my weight, corset or high blood pressure…. Anyway today I have started… I have the incentive that I need.

Interestingly a girl whom I know in real life was speaking to me about my body modifications… im heavily tattooed and have a few piercing dotted around the place…. According to her, shes been raised in the lifestyle…..(im not saying she hasn’t, what I am saying is I suspect she talks a lot of crap) and she was brought up that a submissive should present herself as unblemished…. This is crap to me, some Masters will like tattoo’s and others wont… each to their own if they don’t it would be fair to say we would have very little in common… its just the way it is. I guess she’s been reading too many books on the subject.. the Gor ones more than likely. An interesting thing is though my body is quite strange to look at now. I have large boobs, 34E a very small waist 24” and large hips 40”… when I dress to go out I dress to impress, I have no problems finding Gentlemen despite my modifications, they are appealing and as I informed her the waist training and the heel training are in fact symbolic to my submission…. But… if a submissive has to be so perfect, so unblemished… why the hell is she a size 22? Not that I have anything against big girls as I see myself as being big too… but isn’t it kinda like the same thing.. if you have to present your self as being this ideal of being a desirable object then you wouldn’t self neglect your body from the inside…. Grumble, grumble…. Anyway my way is the one twue way so stuff what anyone else thinks….

long time no see

The doom and gloom didnt last very long really, well one day. I just guess it depends on who you talk too and their own personal view on that which is edge play. I spoke to one guy who i speak to quite regularly and he just said he wished that he could find someone like me... so essentially i guess it is all completely objective...... anyway its by the by i adore the pro and all he does end of.

So much has happened to me since i last wrote here... in fact writing this now i cant quite remember what my last input was... anyway it matters not.

The person who felt like they had so much in common with me.. well one night he was acting like a child on msn, writing all that pathetic on line talk which i cant stand... so he can bugger off. Plus he's off work on long term sick and now living with his parents.... so not really someone that i would see as being a strong dominant man... and yes we can all have bad times, but pleaseeeeeeee.... if he had of been good looking i probably would have been more forgiving but he isnt so stuff that.

Had an excellent weekend this weekend, Friday was the west london munch and there was a guy there selling really cheap decent quality kit... i got a cane £2, and a fiberglass £4 leather covered cane. posture collar for £5 and someone bought me a leather belt which is nice for £3.. how sweet, he said if you dont buy it for you im going to buy it for you.... i tried it on and went to look in the mirror on my way back i got hoodwinked and put into bondage, as yer do... so by the time i went to the guy to pay the other guy already had!!

Then A who had been doing the knife play demo decided to carve me up a bit.... and he made me bleed... which he enjoyed... and now hes quite keen to play with me. Well he thinks he is a vampyer, this is a cool thing my very first Dom also was into vampyerism.... so yeah i dig that whole scene... we exchanged numbers.. i was drunk as usually i try to avoid him as he is a bit of a man whore... and he tried to ring me on Sat but i ignored it...

Conkord let me down again and i was supposed to ring him on Thursday to make other arrangements.. needless to say i didnt bother... he made me feel needy and insecure so im not going to bother with him anymore and he can continue to chase me in the 4 weekly cycles like he does... and i will continue to tease him like i do.. but nothing more will come of it than that.

Talking to one other M... who lays claim to being into TEP and M/s..... but they all say that and mostly they are all so completely full of crap... plus he's little 5'8", and stocky.... looks short and fat to me.. ex rugby player.... we're supposed to be meeting tomorrow.... we shall see.
Other than that im on which is good as it means im going to be able to see the uber soon and at the end of the day he's the only one i want... i just wish he wanted me too..... maybe he does... well a girl can dream... :o)

An old friend of mine got back in contact over the weekend, he has lots of issues and is gender confussed. Quite funny really as we went out one night clad head to toe in rubber and it got a bit saucy... "will you just fuck me" i demanded... which he would have done if we had condoms.... anyway he has now been autorised through the NHS to become a girl... so ive gone from trying to turn a gay guy straight.. to a lesbian... anyway we have made a pack.... i was almost the last person he had got a bit jiggy with... and im going to the first when he's a bird.. i am straight but come on how many others can say they have been with a chick with a dick... gonna be really fecking strange.... my life is a bit odd isnt it.... seriously i am completely normal and sane i assure you... well kinda.

Dark Thoughts

Im in a bit of a strange place right now, thanks to an earlier conversation with someone who i thought would understand what recently happened to me. The guy himself is into hanging, bit of a strange one that but after experiencing erotic asphyxiation it is actually quite nice. Its a most strange sensation when you’re rasping for breath at the mercy of another.... it really does heighten all your senses and despite what people may think its pretty nice as experiences go. Assuming one knows one is completely safe, well actually the buzz comes from when one believes that one really isn’t completely safe.

Anyway after discussing my recent adventure with the uber with ths individual he had a bit of a go at me, well not me, but saying how the uber was unsafe and that i should find myself someone else to play with. It actually upset me, and worse still it did make me question if the uber was a safe player or not. Like i have ever played safe anyway..... i play risk aware and suddenly im thinking is this safe.... helloooooooo i know its not, he fucks up i die thats the reality of it. I cant gloss it over... i cant make it seem ok, i know it sounds completely insane but that is the cold truth of it... my life is completely in his hands, he makes one mistake thats the end of me.

It boils down to trust, do i trust that this man knows how far he can go, is he aware of what he is doing. The long and short of it is yes i do trust him emphatically... he started out in this life as a sub, i know that he’s told me... he himself has experienced the whole breath play thing. He has 20 years experience in BDSM.... i know he isn’t really gonna want to kill me.... 25 years in the slammer. Well actually i suspect it could be more... perverts are usually given whole life sentences.... because of the obscene nature of the crime.... i would have been the innocent victim and he would have been the sad fuck who prayed on innocent women on the internet and watched disgusting porn ... he wouldn’t get done for manslaughter, he would probably get done for murder and then the key would be thrown away..... so its safe to assume he wouldn’t really wanna go through that.

It still doesn’t make it better how im currently feeling. Being a typical woman i need to externalise the emotions that im going through. But the problem is when you are engaging in this edge play malarky not many understand as they see the personal risks as being too high. So after speaking to this person who put me in a dodgy headspace i looked for someone with experience who i know i could trust to speak to to help me work it out. And yanno what i couldn’t find one.... i couldn’t find one person who i thought could help me put this back into prospective. It’s a lonely place when you feel that you have nothing in common with anyone, that you think no one will understand what it is that you enjoy and why you enjoy it... when even the members of the minority community that is bdsm think that you’re a insane freak because you’re willing to go just that little bit further than most.... suddenly the realisation that yes the only person that you can completely trust and rely on is yourself, but then what happens when you actually begin to doubt yourself?

well

ive seen a picture.......

Its been bloody cold outside hasnt it?

Does it really matter? Yes it does........................ :o(

musing

Yanno the whole internet dating thing is really rather strange, you can go for months where you just seem to be talking to idiots who between them don’t have a brain cell, and then every once in a while you start talking to someone who really seems to hit your buttons..... well im currently in a he hits my buttons moment.

The profile was spot on, he see’s things exactly how i do.... cant really see what he looks like from his picture though. Some in this world do say it really shouldn’t matter. You’re submitting for the sake of submitting rather than to the person... what bollox, basically if some guy is gonna be getting his hands on me i at least want to feel at least slightly attracted to him.
But what he writes is just me, hes like the complete opposite of me.... he’s a 37 year old switch, he’s already in a relationship with a Mistress and is now seeking a submissive. Thats cool by me as i have the ownership of a sub and play with another, and ive started talking and meeting another too.. so possibly 3 submissives. So who ever i submit too is gonna have to be ok with that. I don’t have sexual contact with submissives............ (liar)................. ok so one i do.... but if i was in a relationship with another i wouldn’t.

Poly stuff is quite funny , previous i was completely monogamous.. and prone to jealousy. Since engaging in BDSM i have kinda sought out poly relationships as a way of trying to curb my jealousy. Its ok if you know he’s going to be seeing others and as long as you feel secure then its generally not too bad... though you do still have your moments... like i did the other day. Im ok knowing things are going on, i don’t wanna know whats going on... then its the red flag to the bull moment, incidently i am a taurean ;o)

Anyway this guy is saying the same as me basically.. the expectations, boundaries seem to be similar.. its not often i get to speak to someone who thinks like i do. Despite my foul mouth and obvious brash nature m view on submission is really quiet intense. I like lots of control and for the most part would be happy with high protocol... she says that only because she has never experienced it properly .....

Ah i dunno.... sometimes you want to get excited yet time after time evidence tells you don’t bother coz yanno he’s gonna turn out to be another complete cunt... do you think calling Doms cunts is bad? Oh well.... i wouldn’t call the uber a cunt.... i do concord though ... he likes me to call me his dirty little cunt... strange man.... he’s lucky hes got that body i tell yer....
Ive contacted the shop ive ordered the ballet boots from today, they still haven’t come and its been a month... im seriously not happy. If they don’t come back with a suitable response im gonna cancel the order and buy from punative shopes... expensive but lovely.....
Another good thing about this guy he’s into body modification, waist training, heel training the whole lot... tis all too good to be true...

End of the week.... woo hoooo

Im not sure why i have been so tired of late. Initially it was after the session with the uber... i was left so exhausted i thought it was that but maybe its something more. The other day i experienced a nose bleed while washing the dishes, im not sure if its the beginning of a cold, high blood pressure, or simply the bodies shock response to me washing the pots. Anyway i feel a bit like im getting a cold but its nor really developing so who knows. I have an appointment with my GP next Thursday to get my bloody pressure tested again, i wont wear the corset before i go just to give my body the best chance.

Last Sunday i got an email from a 'friend' actually shes my best friend accusing me of walking away from confrontation. It actually offended me somewhat as im fiercely loyal to my friends, so for someone to say that is rather like a good slap around the face. Anyway ive decided not to respond to the email and i have decided that if that is how she feels she can fuck right off. I dont usually get offended much and just tend to brush things off, but that was too close to the mark. Its just that when shes feeling shite i shouldnt be enjoying myself, well thats not going to happen so im going to put me first from now on. And although i have been accused of doing so all the time i think a certain person is going to realise just how much i was there for her. On the flip side however, i do wonder if some of that email was her way of getting attention from me... accusing me of stuff to get me to respond. It is true to say that we havent been spending so much time together of late, well shes formed a new friendship with someone else which is positive, someone not quite as outgoing as i, and i have been giving her space to do that. Oh well best not to think about these things i guess, shes a big girl and she needs to learn that slagging people off isnt a way to make or keep friends!!

Conkord rang me last night, he didnt sound his usual self. He initially messaged my on the site we met on, he asked me why i was never on line and he had been trying to find me. I told him the truth in as much as i have deleted him off my msn. Sometimes i can get a bit neurotic if someone is on line and i want to talk to them and they're busy. They should be talking to me afterall..... initially i deleted so he could continue to talk to me when he required. But for some reason, the last time i had a pop at him i guess, i deleted and blocked. He had been trying to ring me but i have been having early nights since the uber so havent picked the calls up, his number is witheld so how am i supposed to know its him? He should have text me... so anyway despite the fact he's been thinking ive been ignoring him completely we are going to meet, well apparently lets see if it happens. Seriously this guy has got the fittest body on the planet.... and he has this lovely air of arrogance about him.... yum yum.... i know not the right reasons for bottoming to a guy but yanno if yer gonna do it at least do it to someone cute.. ;o)

Bottoming, thats what im doing isnt it.. im bottoming to two and not submitting to anyone.... how bloody depressing.... depressing but fun.... one day..... one day it will come. I think maybe i need to work on my attitude i appear to have lost the path of late.... sometimes i dont like being as fiesty as i am... i swear too much, im cheeky.... but on the positive side i do offer complete devotion and dedication which does go way beyond what many others do.... i have the heart of a submissive even if my mouth does let me down on occasion..

Thoughts..

The intensity of D/s can only really be experienced when one has felt the complete selflessness that comes from engaging in activities that require a total exchange of power. Placing your mind, body and soul completely in the hands of another, to have such an unquestionable trust in that person. How can one say they have actually really experienced life if they have not ever felt what it is like to have the very essence of their life placed completely in the hands of another, to be completely at their will, and completely at their mercy?

I have been speaking to others who have not been happy with my recent escapades. "its not ssc". Well i have never really understood the principles of ssc, nothing much of what i do as a submissive, or a sadistic top, could really be considered safe. To me RACK, Risk Aware Consensual Kink, makes much more logical sense, yes im aware of the risks or else i wouldnt engage in the first instance. The fact i seek out Gentleman who i know will push me way beyond what many consider acceptable is another matter completely, and despite me trying to analyse this i have not yet been able to come up with a suitable cause.

Another problem identified with my recent session was that some Doms/sadists do not like to be pushed by the sub/masochist. Apparently my decision not to beg for release put him in a position where he had to act, i made him do what he did or else he would appear to be weak. I have not really considered that before, though if i think with my submissive head on he could do what ever the hell he wanted to do and it would have been ok with me... its his will. One 'friend' told me he would have let me down and kicked me out. I guess that would have been an indicator that i am actually more willing to go further than him... he would have felt powerless in the exchange. Fortunately the Gentleman i engage in such activities with is well experienced and didnt see it as such, he went as far as he had to go ... in the battle of our wills he won, and he always will. Though it has upset me a little that i could have not pleased him by my actions.

As a top i enjoy playing with people who have a little spirt, i do enjoy being pushed too. It makes it much more fun and rewarding when you finally take them down. I guess some men may feel threatened by this, and some wont. I do know the master i play with likes extremes and dark stuff, though i have never really discussed how far he is willing to go and what he expects from a submissive. Maybe it is time that i actually asked......

Im not sure why dominant males complicate such things......

"The definition of Insanity... Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
Albert Einstein

arghhh

Ive been on one of the web sites i use and i happened across someone talking about the guy i see, he's a pro dom and someone mentioned he knew of him. I felt a rush of jealousy... i dont want anybody else seeing him. I know this prick doesnt know the uber really... ive met the guy and he's one of these insignificant idiots who has something to prove. I feel like telling him to shut up.

Anyway, getting back to the bit that is important... jealousy... mine... jealous of him possibly seeing other girls. I know he does, he's fit and could have his pic of girls. So why does it provoke such a reaction from me when i see his name being banded about on a Internet site?

Its not like he would cross over the boundaries of the relationship, i know he doesnt.... i want him and i want him to be mine... all mine and no one elses.. errrrrrrrrrr yeah coz that is really going to happen. I need to do a piece of work looking at vanilla emotions and D/s ones... i have to keep him in his box because this really doesnt feel good, writing about it here helps... but i obviously have much bigger issues that i need to work on............ :o(

What a feckin liberty..

This weekend has been quite an interesting one. The london munch on fridy, it was heaving and i had a wonderful time. Was funny though as on the way conkord rang, i couldnt speak and so he said he will ring me on Sunday or Monday, i have been having a few late night calls from a withheld number and his number was withheld.... im wondering if it was him? Though usually he just texts me telling me to ring.

Anyway i met w at the munch, had a laugh, it was his first fetish thing so it was all a bit too much for him. A certain female friend of mine quite liked him and asked if she could have him. I didnt really realise this game was more akin to being at a meat market.... anyway i told her to sod off he's mine, which he is. I doubt he would have been interested anyway if im honest.

Went to ST on sat night... i looked the dogs bollox in me rubber catsuit and pvc corset. Had a great night got put into some really good bondage and tied to a chair and was tormented... i love how they do that when you actually cant do anything physically about it... grrrrrr

Sunday went to the LAM and again had a great time, havent been in a while so it was good to catch up with some old friends. Though Djin got into a grump as usual... he's a right moody fucker at times. But it did make me reflect on the issue of power exchange, sometimes it almost like a vanilla relationship, he sulks to try and get power and he aint bloody getting it!! At the LAM i actually got a posture collar.... now all i need is my ballet boots and im sorted... CAN YOU FUCKING HURRY UP.

Got home and there was an email from the afore mentioned female, basically having a go at me for not supporting her with the incident that happened ages go, apparently i walked away from confrontation. That is bloody amazing as i was actually stood between the pair of them so a fight couldnt start. I think this has been forgotten about. I suspect it boils down to this particular person being jealous of me, which she readily admits too. But should i allow her to keep putting me down, she does this to ohers too.... im not sure why. Well i know it makes her feel slightly better about herself.. anyway im undecided if to respond or not, i have written a response but do i send it?

She has massive self esteem issues.. and that isnt my problem, i cant help it that i enjoy my life.. i cant help it that men are attracted to me as i really make an effort to get dressed up when i go out and im fun.. i cnat help that.. i cant help it that others are jealous as they do not have the same fun i do..., im not changing for anyone and right now im really fucked off that a so called friend can accuse me of not treating her with the same respect she treats me when all the fucking time she tries to pinch my men...

This particular person has also befriended another woman who i dont really like, yanno when there is something you just cant put your finger on.... well im rather selective about who i have as friends.... and if i dont see people as having anything in common with me i aint gonna bother.... so ive been letting her get on with that friendship and ive been keeping out of it, also because i know she's down and there is only so much you can do.

In the last couple of months i have been in some sort of bullshit caused by women.. seriously to god sometimes im ashamed to be female.. they are fucking mental.... sort it out you psycho bithces no wonder men dont fecking want you.... jesus christ....

sorry that turned into a bit of a rant there... whoops.. :o) Fuck em.... im living my life you want to wallow in self pity then fuck right off......